sunday pondering in quiet…

the moon and sun are in cancer and i am feeling it hard core. sensitive, tender, withdrawn, quiet, soft, and hidden. i don’t like blogging at all right now. it feels very exposing and chattery. gemini and cancer are such different energies. spent yesterday afternoon and evening chatting away with friends, it was a good time. now i feel like i want to be alone and have sunday be truly a sunday of some sort. i hurt myself during my yoga practice yesterday too, doing the ab roller. i pulled the muscles on both sides of my sides. today i must take the day off and just do a lot of walking. injury is never fun. the sky is latte foam and the building is quiet. i have very little to say about life, so maybe i switch to topics on the mind. relationships. i was talking yesterday about how i prefer the label partner versus boyfriend or girlfriend. the latter sounds juvenile to me. the former sounds equal and mature, conscious and co-creative. a friend was sharing about her new relationship and how they are both process aware, as she phrased it (love that phrase). i want this too. i cannot imagine being in a relationship with a man who is not process aware. well, actually i can cause i have been in many of those. but no more. good communication and mutual self growth work is mandatory. otherwise i choose to be alone. i don’t mean this to sound harsh. i have changed so much over the years. not my romantic and passionate nature, but my relationship desires. i still want passion, romance, and the succulence. but i no longer need a man by  my side for any practical reason or for any reason to define who i am or my worth or any of that stuff. i don’t need marriage nor do i want babies. i am emotionally fulfilled by myself and my friendships. i have a strong community and tons of support. there is no need for a partner in my life other than to have companionship, romance, and love. i want partnership very much though, it is a dream. i am partnership oriented, i have five planets in libra, relationships float my boat and all that….but i don’t need one to exist. always living with both in my heart. that libra moon seeing both sides and viewing polar extremes from the center. i can see now, on the other side of many years, how i needed to go through all of the lessons and hard work. i used to be needy and disillusioned. i don’t say this with a bad taste in my mouth, for we are all raised to not find comfort, love, wisdom, and stability within ourselves. most of us go through abuse and shitty ass circumstances growing up. our culture breeds needy and disillusioned. it breeds co-dependance, grasping, and possessing another to make up for the lack experienced inside. how any of us make it through to the other side puts me in awe. all this being said, i feel happy to be here. i never thought i would say this either. i am one of those people who say, “if i can do it, so can you,” because i am queen of the shadow realms, princess of fucked up, chaos and crisis knew me well in my youth, and relationships of the romantic kind have always been a great challenge for a variety of reasons. i remember a man who read my vedic chart telling me romantic love would be very hard for me in this life, and that the right man for me would also have had a very hard time with romantic relationships. this sounds comforting to me. to be able to relate. relating usually spawns laughter. i could use much more laughter. equal relationship or bust!

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