slept hard and up early after a night filled with passionate longing stirring deep within, behind all of the talking and walking with a friend. when i got home i was on the kind of fire nothing can satiate but an equal lover. the desire was single pointed. what i did to express some fire alone was listen to music, sing, cry, and wear myself down with my own emotions overflowing. i feel i am flooding like the nile with all of this cancer sun, mercury, venus energy. the feelings are pure crystalline forces free of neurosis. discovering that nestled within the root of my shadow is a self loving little kid angry at her peers for seeing her as an ogre has liberated me. i thought the root was me feeling i am bad. to feel fully the shadow root as love denied…well…it fills me up with a natural confidence i never felt inside. not arrogance or an inflated put-on. just a natural feeling of belonging to this body and this world in present time. irony always guides (sorry to sound like a hipster). i needed to validate myself. self love is a real thing, a palpable thing. clients, friends, everyone i read tarot for gets so tired of hearing it. used to be me included until i surrendered to spiritual practice, understanding that self love requires physical effort every single day and progress tends to be slow. the palpable results are equivalent to eating fresh fruit on a hot summer day. self love swallows up absolutes the mind makes to make up for the lack of self love. it opens up the flow of grace inside and brings upon the mind a sense of tolerance and gentle approach. it is my way. does not take the restless longing away by any means. i have so much passion bursting inside these seams. a soulful passion that cannot be given to just anybody. luckily i have great friends to hang out with and summer to allow me to wander the streets until my body becomes exhausted. it’s all about exhausting the energy. i know i need to be creative. i have not painted in so long. nor have a written any poetry or fiction. the only creativity being expressed is in my yoga practice, but even that is becoming set and routined for now. school really opened up my creative productivity and summer break shows the waning. not sure why this is the case. perhaps i need more humanity mixing. more diversity. not always sameness. i don’t know. monkey mind. gemini moon. chatty and irrelevant notions. feels good to tap the keys. i am up so early that i feel the tapping ring through the empty silence of my building asleep. i probably could use another hour myself. this blog has turned dull as a knife that needs sharpening….