deep insight friday…

intense dreams last night that stemmed from being triggered at work and watching “orange is the new black” for the first time. the trigger was about being seen in untrue light. i did not realize it when it happened though. i thought the hurt was about being deceived because i was feeling one way (positive) the day before and then was presented with a totally different version the next day (negative) by the person catalyzing the trigger. yet my dreams last night revealed to me that what upset me was not feeling deceived, but about not being seen for who i really am. my dream revealed the truth: an entire community thought i was somebody horrible that i wasn’t, due to one incident i naively wound up in. this is why i think the tv show got in there too, cause the main character winds up in jail for one incident she got herself into that she was being naive about. watching her character face the discomfort of going to prison took the heat off of my own emotional discomfort for being seen through a negative lens. this is going to happen from time to time. i am learning how to not take it personally. i watched the old tapes play in my head on my walk home from work. the tapes are old ways to salve the feeling of shame that got triggered. i felt i was bad even though mentally i knew i was not bad. my hawk eyes saw the entire internal landscape. the trigger was not strong enough to cause tears. a feeling of anger first seized me, followed by sorrow, and then shame accompanied by the mental thought that i was at fault for making this person feel hurt. the old pattern is to blame myself because i am inherently bad. triggers are so awesome for revealing what is still in the psyche that otherwise would not arise. gratitude. i watched the feeling of shame in my heart sear, allowing it to express. the old mental tapes began asking for food, a drink, somebody to vent to, anything to put in or take out of my mouth. i did not feed the tapes. instead, i came home and drank clear refreshing water out of a cobalt blue glass while watching the shame sear through my chest until the feeling passed. afterward i watched “orange is the new black” on intuition. glad i did because the show is so archetypal and powerful in revealing human psychology. i gained deeper awareness before bed. because i did not salve, push away, and sedate the shame with false refuge, my dream time revealed the truth of the trigger. waking up this morning, i immediately understood that the shame this body has carried throughout life has a deeper root than feeling that i am inherently bad. the shame is rooted in feeling that my true self is unseen. i think about the archetype i have used to describe the core wound of my lifetime: quasimodo. he was not seen for who he really was. he was only seen as an ogre. it all makes so much sense to me now. when i was a kid i never felt seen as my true self. they saw me as an ogre. this is who i was in my kid community, in their eyes. i remember being confused about it. not angry or sad. just deeply confused. it only turned to anger later. the anger stage hit around age nine. i cursed like a maniac on the daily. the anger turned to sorrow when i discovered binge eating as an outlet around age twelve. i quickly gained a ton of weight, felt even more ogre-like, and became depressed. i withdrew more and more inward, away from community. this is how the progression went. by high-school i was a humanity hating girl who skipped school and was in rapid decline. therapists helped to mold me into somebody that suffers from depression and low self esteem, versus the truth that i had healthy self esteem. when i was treated as an ogre over time my self esteem acted out through anger and then turned to food addiction, sorrow and depression. what i needed was validation for my feelings of anger and sorrow that emerged due to my positive self regard that was not being met by my peers. this would have recovered the lost self esteem perhaps? who knows. it’s not their fault either. therapists are not god. the east coast tends to breed rigid and unintuitive stock. i was a complete mess of a person sitting across from each one of them. it’s tricky dealing with youth because they are so impressionable. adults tend to think they know what’s best for youth and not believe or validate their internal experience. i have deep compassion for teenagers due to my own experience. i am happy today about what i went through because i can see the pitfalls. the shadow is illuminated. everything happens for a reason. i know in my heart each moment is meant to be. i feel my true self as a silver thread of the divine weaving into this daily modern life where the sacred is covered in lies. (woah, where did that last line emerge from? saving it for another blog…)

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