feelings, feelings, feelings…(mars direct)

another thick foamy latte covered sky. how seattle am i to explain the sky as such? this metaphor is in my head all the time these days and i am drinking too much coffee. in fact right now as i type this i am resisting having more. tired. socially exhausted. went to visit a friend out in west seattle last night. so different than capitol hill. i just don’t know if i could adjust to a non-urban life, always at home, so boring. i like the peace and space of a house. i like the noise you can make, the decorating, the coziness…but i need to be out at places and walking around every day. i might be urban to the core. i don’t know. i contradict myself all the time. it’s the same with nature, i don’t crave too much of it. a little bit and i am good. too much, and i feel trapped. it’s so strange how the city feeds a spiritual nature such as mine. you’d think i want the peace of nature, but i don’t. i am not opposed to living in a house and trying it, if that is what’s meant to be. i miss nyc too. i miss a lot of places. even places i have never been to. yesterday we sat in barjot in the morning, drank too much coffee, drew comics, laughed. it felt so neighborhoody and fun. simple pleasure does it for me. i guess i do love humanity even though i am loner. i will miss damian being gone. we bring out the best in one another, we balance each other out. he lightens me up and allows me to be directive. both traits feels so equalizing to me. i wonder if i would fare well with a partner who lightened me up and allowed me to be directive? perhaps. dames and i are both worn out and ready to return to our own flow. he’s been kind and patient sleeping on my shitty couch. the theme of this reunion: too much coffee, reel comics, my couch with eczema, instagram, happy hour, and i think i am missing a few things. mars goes direct today and i am feeling this too. i am craving love. i am craving creative expression. i am craving the robust expressions of vital life. i feel like anais. i want to devour yet also bask and saunter. there are many ways to enjoy one single moment. it feels good to not feel like a hawk or some other high flying bird anymore. been months of that. time to swoop down and partake of this carnival, both tragic and love soaked. what to even say about it all? i keep hearing that natalie merchant song in my head (i walk these streets). i am ready to lay in the grass, be covered by hair and warmth, soil on the back, with moonlight or sunlight shining downward into the tiny pupils of my eyes trying hard to see itself as me…

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