spew about stuff on sunday…

i watched the movie “donnie darko” for the millionth time last night, though it had been years since the last time i saw it. i worship this movie on so many levels. from the artistic expression to the social commentary to the metaphysical aspect. i love the subtle way information is revealed. i love the way music montages are used to story tell. i love the actors, characters, writing, and subject matter. everything everything. donnie darko and six feet under forever go down in my heart as masterpieces. still feeling peaceful at the core. layers of insecurity wrap around that peace when i interact with others, as if i am hypersensitive to who i become around each person. it is different. i am not the same with each person, not consistent. maybe consistently loving but that’s about it. the insecurity is a sense of self curiosity about whether or not i am being authentic. i automatically mirror others to the degree that i do not know if i am being true to my own feelings. it’s a compulsion. the other insecurity is just my usual fear of not being liked. that one is starting to fade more. i am becoming comfortable with disappointing others, being judged or seen in a negative light, and not being appreciated. perhaps the inner validation of love is making it possible for me to not seek it outside on subtle levels that have always been present. mainly with my attuning to others. i will always attune to others, always be diplomatic, always be laid back and unobtrusive…this is my true nature. what i am working on is not mirroring emotional experiences that are not authentic to my experience. it is very detailed. very jupiter virgo. anyhow, blah blah blah. always working on something. growth junkie but chill. hiding still. taking a break from humanity except when at work. wanting to be free of this human suit. why this time? the conflicts, the shootings, the raping, the aging, the continual triggers, the madness. being off facebook is the biggest shift i have made. i am reading more books, taking more silence, being more in my physical body. i hear news from the mouths of friends only. it helps to hear it through a loving channel and not the internet. it’s pride weekend here in seattle. i have no desire to partake in any of it, too crowded and intoxication oriented. my desire to party is just about dead inside of me. i do want to show my support (always), especially after orlando, but just not by getting wasted and walking through crowds. the fact that people are prejudice against gay people by saying god says it is a sin…is no different if they said black people are a sin for being black, or that it is a sin to be a woman. total fucking bullshit. this religious belief wreaks havoc on the psyche and makes the prejudice very difficult to abolish. if being gay were accepted fully by humanity it would not show up as sin in religion, and there would not be violence. the day that being gay is no different than being straight, other than sexual preference…well first of all it wont be a day, but my point is…i look forward to that time, even if i am only a spirit guide by then. i extend this to all gender and sexuality choices, from transgender to polyamory. be whatever and whomever you want. the only time i have a problem with it is if you are harming others. yes, i have problem with you if being who you are means being prejudice. i have no tolerance for prejudice beliefs no matter how they show up. i am really working on being tolerant toward religion. i used to be completely intolerant. but there are many religious people who are not prejudice, treat all people as equal no matter their sexual identity, race, class or gender. prejudice is my only issue with religion. so long as religion allows for human freedom and equality, i am cool with it and could care less if we share different beliefs about the nature of reality. i suppose for me it all roots back to human freedom and equality, this is my religion. i don’t believe in god but i believe in love, freedom, equality, and liberty for all people. love means no prejudice. freedom means acceptance. equality means worth. liberty means the ability to be oneself in this world. so mote it be.

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