dreams, cataclysm, anais…

many dreams last night: girl talking about the tectonic plates and seattle dunking into the sea. moving into an apartment where people have no boundaries. building manager and residents walking in whenever they like, chairs not mine stored in the closet, fully furnished apartment with other people’s furniture. i am having fun yet also disturbed. living in a college dorm filled with young partiers, but i don’t feel old and cannot hear their partying and feel no ill effects. i am having fun living there. lots of guys hitting on me randomly. both dream’s theme is living among the chaos of humans and me enjoying myself, with that piece about seattle sinking snuck in. hm, what does it mean? reverie, chaos, acceptance, peace. all one. i don’t know. been chanting the “sa-ta-na-ma” meditation this past week. “infinity-life-death-rebirth”. maybe it’s that getting into my cells. maybe a part of me misses having chaotic fun with community. things have been so heavy and serious for a while. i do feel peaceful inside. i don’t have any issues i am working through other than my continued work of cleaning the mirror of my heart and commitment to my practice. i don’t feel expectant even. i see how that rolls, expectancy. i see the inner hidden motivation to do spiritual practice in order to obtain better things in the world and i don’t want to be doing it for that. infinity, life, death, rebirth. love will come when it comes. i will actualize a new career. i will age and die. hurt arises and passes. joy arises and passes. right now the ups and downs feel very equal. in the dream i got super scared about my home sinking into the sea. i felt the cataclysm happening. i think in the dream i considered moving. i ask the universe to place me where i am supposed to be. i don’t feel i am meant to die in a cataclysm this life. am i meant to survive one? of course nobody asks for something like surviving cataclysm. we all ask for the same stuff: comfort, abundance, love, success, blah blah blah. we all want to shine and enjoy and have a good life. i feel zoomed out looking down at the whole animal on earth experience. and at the same time, i feel in my body, taking the ride. bringing spirit to my ego one breath at a time. will they know they are not separate eventually? they already sorta do. but who cares. i am talking for the sake of it. what matters? it is probably not relevant of me to blog, but i am hoping some people relate or find nuggets of something for themselves in my words. maybe not every day. i just do what i am compelled to do. i follow flames of inspiration. reading anais nin dairies again. i never stopped being moved by her. she is my favorite writer ever. her insights and passion for living are my riches. i cannot get enough of her words once i start in on them. i live nothing like her. i do not relate to a lot of her way. yet it does not matter to me. i connect with her anyhow. i enjoy stepping outside of my way to be indulged by her way. the insights translate. anais nin, i love you.

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