xanadu, tall orders, true love…

last night i had so much fun that it brought out the dorky twelve year old in me. went to see xanadu on the big screen, with hecklevision. this means that people can text comments and they show up on the screen. xanadu is one of my all time favorite movies. i grew up worshipping olivia newton john, from age five to about age ten. i sang to every record, memorized every line, and wrote her fan mail. xanadu, well…it just gets better with age. hilarious, inspiring, funny, strange, romantic, cheesy. the hecklers were hilarious. i don’t think my mouth stopped smiling for the entire film. it was medicine. in other news, i have carved out time to write my first story. went to joe bar and drew a blank. wrote five beginning paragraphs, not feeling it. doubted my passion. spent an hour looking up character names. sat in the sun. decided this is how it will be until it is not this way. tenacity will see me through. perhaps i need inspiration in my life, which feels like it’s all mountain climbing right now. doing the practice each morning to build love and give love all day. night comes and i do socialize or hibernate peacefully, for this i am grateful…i just can’t help but wonder what it would be like to feel excited and inspired about something other than what my imagination can produce? too much of a tall order for today’s current events? the creature learns balance and gives love within and outside to a hungry world reflection, while the imagination bloats with ideas and inspiration that don’t want to come out into this heavy place where crisis and pain are the norms. hm. can we experience lightness for a while? i did last night! and…do i need to be a snake charmer to my imagination? yes yes yes. of course my mind travels to my longing for romantic partnership. the sweetness of love when it is mutually inspiring, equal, supportive, nourishing. i keep my distance from who does not serve my soul, as not to plunge into old patterns and self-deception. i am not fantasizing about crushes and false hopes cause i don’t want to bloat my imagination any more. i feel determined to stick with the discomfort and the overwhelm of physical life. for even if he is not here with me, i am surrounded by love. even if i am not being inspired by the outside world, my insides are inspiration city. the right man for me is coming toward me. he is getting inklings. he just needs to be brave. and i need to allow myself to let him all the way in. i don’t have any trust issues. the scary part for me is the entrance into intimacy, that beginning phase when i don’t know if we are really falling in love and right for one another, or doing the lesson-dance where it’s about realizing we are not right even if it’s love, or maybe it’s not love and we are projecting? these are the fears. my intuition tells me that when it is right i will know it and so will he. i am gonna let go of what i think i need in my mind and trust i will know when it is right. trust myself. i got my standards plastered inside like constellations and i love myself. i can soften. it is time to let go of old fears and ways of reacting. nothing will feel like what i think it is gonna feel like before it happens. i know true love will feel new because i am not used to it. i am gonna let it be new…

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