examining the life…

finally my moon-time arrives, four days late. wasn’t worried cause i did not think i would be an immaculate. knew my little death was waiting for the devil class to be over. me and pan are closer now. i love him. the real him, which is not a “him” or physical being at all, but i will call pan a him for romantic imaginative reasons. why not? the writing must continue. within the next month, a draft. back to the cafes. back to the commitment. i realize i need to only commit to each story at time. they will know how to blend at a later date. was fun to work the counter yesterday. i needed it. was becoming too introverted. too slow. working the counter always taps into my swiftness and bright libra moon extroversion. always the balancing of two forces. the prayer wheel is being spun often. the temple resumes rebirthed. i have an obsession with larimar like nobody’s business. want a pendant. want to work with it. there’s a piece on etsy, no silver, drilled hole, huge piece on a leather chord. want want want. lust lust lust. the lust goes deep to my soul. it was all cause a regular came into the store and had me hold his larimar along with a quartz point story teller. the stories of larimar opened up into my imagination. richness. treasure. only a glimpse. i wanted more. oh to feel summer aliveness! i must not over-socialize and use up all my energy that way. writing stories requires much time and effort. hours to contemplate on walks and in meditation. hours to draft, piece together, edit. my lesson for the grand cross full moon is to be the emperor, king of pentacles, and strength. this story comes first. i have summer before school begins and i am thrust back into the left brain world of healing and facilitating. right now i am rebelling against it. afraid. storming. watching my reactivity pass by. when i remember the outcome of working with people with a license and a paycheck everything feels alright. a customer mentioned mediums coming to her house to clear the energy. i checked in with myself with the thought “do i want to be doing this work?” no, was what my gut felt. just like i know i do not want to be in the art world even though painting is my life, i know i do not want to be a priestess for hire even though my soul is a priestess. i mean, i am happy to sell paintings and give readings, but there’s a big difference between that and hustling for money or building a business in order to make a living. my style would rather make a steady paycheck as guide through people’s psyches, being an intuitive therapist. even giving my devil class last night, i found myself much more enthused about the psychological components of the archetype than the esoteric components. when it comes to esoteric i want to write stories. i think it’s funny how pragmatic i am even though i am the most woo-woo person at the same time. i am the marriage of opposites inside. this is being highlighted in my mind because i am learning (finally) that i can feel two ways about any one thing, and that i can be a paradox. it’s alright. i come from oneness and that’s all the oneness i need. my examined life is accepted once again by my narrating mind. yet deeper…by my heart. round and round i go. opening, deepening, accepting, allowing. love, love and more love. the sky is thick like latte foam this morning. makes me wanna be tender, drink caffeine, and tap the keys. more soft weather please. the sun always returns to sparkle up the joint…

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