powerful weekend. sunday: breakfast with a lios friend brings deeper awareness. not only do i need to learn how to differentiate my energy among group, but i understood the leak, or reason why i lost myself at the last meeting. i was being visited by the devil archetype within, whom for me is quasimodo. i am teaching about the devil card tonight, so per usual, perfect timing. even though it’s been many years since i have experienced the shameful pariah feelings i used to experience in youth, at the last school conference that aspect came up from the unconscious and i did not recognize her. i only recognized the shy timid seven year old, not the ugliness and shame part. The ugliness and shame part is the devil, whom i call pan. it is the part of ourselves lodged deep in the unconscious where fear, shame, disgust, and forms of twisted lust dwell. my friend reminded me to be patient and accepting as this part comes up, and i felt that. this might be the first time i can face my inner devil without trying to push her away, change her, and pretend like she never happened. i don’t feel aversion to her. i am finally ready to be her friend. after the enlightening breakfast i walked to barjot hoping the owner would be there because his energy tends to unlock my writing block. i have been deeply blocked and i wanted to write a first person devil piece to read for the workshop. lucky me, he was there and fleetwood mac was playing loud (best music ever to write the devil piece to). the first draft came pouring out of me in a fury. i also felt the story of pan was returning to me. it is time to enter myth writing again. i cannot do healing work without the creative myth work. time to humble myself and return to the craft. writing the first draft exhausted me to such a degree i needed to come home and take a quick nap. next i went to pinebox to write a presentable draft to read for the workshop. take out the lengthier myth stuff, simmer it down to what is needed to understand the archetype. was great to talk with the bartender again and feel the old school vibe of the empty peaceful space. hadn’t been there in a long while. after i cleaned up the draft i wrote more from pan’s perspective. felt i could write for hours. i am so close to him inside. we are very dear friends. i understand him. again, taken down by fatigue from channeling i left in need of zoning out and crashing early to bed. saturday: great to work the counter with white cobra again. good times nostalgia unpacking stones. we hung out at solstice after, pulling cards, recommitting ourselves to writing. before hand talking a languid walk with katie through the rich people’s hood behind joe bar. the air felt tropical and cool on the skin. talked about the grand cross, letting go of rigid beliefs and patterns within. it all culminated for me sunday when i saw how i was still running from quasimodo and that it was this running from shame that shows up in unhealthy ways in my present life, mainly with losing myself. i literally get swallowed up by others without realizing it. now that i am committed to fully loving quasimodo, i know i will be able to transform this unhealthy pattern. i am healing the leakage so that i can remain whole. i am taking care of myself first, before others, my capricorn north node. by making myself strong, clear, and bright, i can provide for others. i am meant to be father not mother, in this lifetime. i am meant to provide knowledge and guidance, not care take. i am learning….