i left my ego in san francisco (and nyc)…

dreamed about san francisco again. been dreaming a lot about that city lately. when i lived there it was a time of extroversion and optimism. if in seattle i am a five on a scale of one to ten, super extroverted being ten…in sf i was a nine. always in a social mood. mostly optimistic. that place put a spell on me. at the same time i was really depressed and also felt i was in the wrong place. strange mix. but what sticks with me the most about that place are the walks i took. long walks up and down hills through the city. seeing the apple green parrots twice. sitting in dolores park. listening to tegan and sara on my headphones loud, “so what i lied, i’d lie to me too.”  i remember how much my heart bursted with feelings all the time, which is how i felt in the dream last night too. have not felt that in a while. maybe it is time for an emotional awakening. i am no longer friends with any of the friends i made there, and yet they each made a big impact on me. i remember new years eve when kyle and jess visited and we hung out in my apartment all night. kyle made a remark that you could go stand on the fire escape and yell “drugs” to the street below and bags of coke would fly up into your hands. luckily i hate that drug and never did it because addicts were not called addicts there. it was a normal ritual to snort coke on a regular basis. one of the main reasons i felt out of place was for that reason. i was swimming among kids on drugs playing adult with high paying jobs or going to school to get a high paying job. tons of ego. i remember having the thought, “how can i go from thinking about the universe most of the time, to thinking about what to say about chicken soup?” that was the day i  knew i made a mistake being in school for copywriting. nothing could be more anti-me. i sucked at it too. after sf i went to nyc, still stuck in my ego, thinking i could swim with the big fish and the little fish striving to be big fish. even though it was the most creatively productive time in my life, it was also the time i knew i did not want to “make it” as an artist anymore. i hated the art world i saw. i wanted no part of it. i started meditating there and it changed my life forever. nyc became my ashram, oddly. when i moved back to seattle some movie was playing on the plane about this cartoon mouse learning the lesson of living for his community and helping, versus living for himself. the mouse was all fucked up in the head and felt misunderstood. it had made him self absorbed in a negative way. when he saved the little town he stumbled into, the mouse found love and purpose. i knew this was my sign. i basically got to know my shadow side real well in sf and nyc. not sure i would have gotten that intimate in any other place. i always say places are relationships. sure, wherever you go…there you are. i brought my inner stuff with me to each city. yet each city played a particular role of healer, teacher, lover, ally, and ogre. this is why i love living in different places. i love being transformed by each city. sun in the ninth house with an eight house stellium. i have been in seattle five years now. do i feel the itch to move? one hundred percent! but i got school to finish and then three thousand hours to get my license. i could easily root here and travel instead of move. yet i remain open at the same time. the flow…

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