ode to being…

blue sky this morning. space heater on. feeling a shift in energy. reading for clients last night i saw a theme emerge that i know is related to the grand crosses and this summer of letting go and transformation. the divine feminine energy is releasing ancient karma. this looks like self worth within individuals. it looks like letting go of childhood wounding that was housing itself deep. so many clients, friends, myself included say, “i thought i was done with this issue. i’ve been working on it for years.”…and yet deeper layers emerge for healing. the unconscious seems to contain bottomless levels of hurt from past wounds. yet there is the finite point where all the letting go happens surrounding a particular issue. when you are done you are done. when you are not done you are not done. the mind wants so much to control everything, and yet timing seems to have its own sense of itself, beyond what the mind desires. working with these two forces is a juggling act. to stay directive and in control while being emergent and letting go of control. human beings are a complex because of our minds. the mind is what makes fundamentalist religion, tyranny, prejudice, oppression. yet the mind also makes works of art, inventions, buildings, and rituals that are beautiful. yet all of it is mind. without mind there might be aggression but it would quickly pass because mind would not solidify it over time into concepts and institutions. there might be love without the mind, but there would be no marriage or ideas about what a relationship should look like. crazy, it all comes down to the mind. the longer i practice buddhism and increase my ability to detach from the mental narrative and emotional reactions to that narrative….the more i experience humor and love beneath. the more i experience a sense of being alive that has zero to do with what i think and emote. the feelings underneath the mind and emotions are a phenomenological experience, palpable, independent of external circumstance. i can be in deep disagreement with somebody and not take it personal. i don’t need to monitor others to make sure they are making my sense of right and wrong validated. i can feel insecure without making a big deal out of it. i can cry without words and release the sorrow from my body like poop. i don’t need to manipulate others. i don’t really get mad at others. when i feel disappointed i can take it with grains of salt and let it go quicker. the benefits are worth more than millions of dollars. worth more than accolades. the joy and security that emerges underneath the narrative is where i want to always be. krishna das calls is love. i call it love often too. i also call it security. there is no security in the temporal nature of the physical, yet there is deep security in the being-ness beneath the physical, call it what you will.  i call it spirit. the buddhist path does not rob me of passion, longing, richness…it deeps my sense of passion, longing, richness. the passion of the narrative is short lived, volatile, reactive, miniscule…compared the the passion that emerges from being-ness. i wish i could explain it better. maybe i can. i don’t know who i would be had i not stumbled upon the buddhist path. in my mind, buddha was the first psychologist. all the religious dogma that got piled on top of the original buddhist teachings, is not for me. just the practice. jesus taught me to forgive and love unconditionally. buddha taught me that i am breath and to allow the mind/emotions to do its thing but that i am not of it. cool dudes that teach powerful practices. i don’t need the religious parts. gratitude for the helpers. we all have our direct connection to spirit, which is life. how the mind makes the narrative is not spirit itself, it’s just a myth or metaphor used to create intimacy with life. marriage is the same thing. it’s not marriage that creates intimacy, but the mind chooses the idea of it to make sense of intimacy in the mind. that’s all every concept is. even equality and justice are concepts, and not absolutes. life contains everything, it is much bigger than the mind which seeks to reduce life to what it wants to see. yet i happily choose reductionist mental concepts to devote to, in order to be a person on this planet. i choose equality, liberty, justice, beauty, balance, love, devotion, wisdom, creativity. i choose love. i choose wisdom. being-ness underneath is the “i” choosing. i don’t know why i became this michelle creature choosing these concepts. the mystery is endlessly beautiful and emerging in the moment…

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