overwhelm and acceptance occupying…

i must be overwhelmed without realizing it. last night i hid away in the dark with netflix, not wanting to connect with anybody, be creative or productive. each time i think of the orlando shooting, i think about the big issue of human division and violence. fear enters. sorrow rains. i feel helpless but know i am not. i call out to source, to love, and begin to detach from the inner storm. i am unable to absorb the reality of the world right now.  i put on meditative music and do my practice. the best i can do is stay healthy inside. retreat is a necessity right now. facebook is a thing of the past. i help people in my community, this is as far as i can reach for now. and what about myself? i am fine. no big dramatics. used to my routine. detached from any sorrows in my own life. when i say detached i don’t mean dissociated. i mean i am watching the feelings and narrative while continuing to generate love, tolerance and deep regard for each human life. i also want to generate humor and innovation, but i have not laughed too much. i need to laugh more. i will when dames gets here. i am gonna spend some time thinking about all the good in the world today. all of the equality and beauty. i know this is how change happens. things get worse before they get better. high contrast ignites. the aware, loving, caring people have to learn how to come together and stand up against the delusional sickness and violence infecting the human race. there is power in numbers. i don’t care about philosophizing about light and dark right now. i am more concerned with physical activity. how can i help? this is part of my retreat. i am gathering energy while attempting to digest the chaos and violence of humanity while staying healthy. it’s a fucking tall order. how do you digest such horror? sacred solitude, even if it is zoning out to netflix, is what helps me. the overwhelm is very real. i am watching the overwhelm. i see the mind thinking that there is a loss of balance. too much lesson learning, pain in the world, sorrow for the loss, and effort toward the practice. not enough laughter, simple pleasures, creature lightness. i feel so much light as a spiritual being having a human experience and so much dark as a human being digesting the state of the world. i would rather be in a partnership, of course, but how many times can i repeat that sentiment?  i would not mind getting up at six am to gather eggs from my chickens. i would not mind never having to absorb the cigarette smoke of young people on the balcony wafting into my apartment. i would love to see the healing center up and running and to be an integral part of it. i watch mind’s movie respond to desires and aversions. the longing is real and i am thankful for it. this trip as michelle is an experience with no arrival point until death. death takes us away from this place. some are taken too soon, unjust and violently. some are taken by unjust sickness. some are taken by unjust accidents. some are taken naturally in old age and we see a glimpse of justice. this entire concept of right and wrong is a mental story, i understand this. i can climb outside of it and accept the reality of the way shit goes down on earth. at the same time, i wont resist the sorrow and anger present in reaction to the rampant sickness coursing through the human race. honor for the embodied pain as well as honor for the zoomed out larger understanding. no resistance…

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