digesting violence while being love…

i rearranged my apartment. well, just the couch. put it against the window. needed a small change. the weather is cold here. i have the space heater on. so different than the desert and east coast. i am still on my parent’s schedule. was asleep by ten and up at six am. wanting the nights to just be over with. this is not really enjoying the present moment, but oh well. the nights will have their time in the sun one day. being off facebook is making a dramatic shift in my psyche. i did not realize how much it was affecting me. i was going on there each morning, afternoon, and night. digesting everybody’s reactivity to the injustices and horrors was taking my vibration down. it’s too much. i also got upset seeing the horrible news and reactivity mixed in with the light hearted posts. felt this contrast a lot in nyc, seeing the uber rich living right next to the uber poor. my sensitivity and sensibility get easily maxed out by harshness, high contrast, quantity. i can handle my friend’s reactivity in person. i can handle my own reactivity. i can handle some intense shitty contrast. but i cannot handle the sheer quantity and insanity of facebook’s reactivity and contrast. only a few days off and i feel much more clear, centered, loving, open. i wont allow the horrors of violence to take down my spirit. i wont allow my ability to unconditionally love everybody be tampered with. i don’t live for vengeance. i don’t want to give back the same intolerance and disregard for human life that wreaks havoc on humans by sick individuals. i will manage my reactivity with my practice and be a force of love and positive change. this is my mantra and my manifesto. i need to protect this with emptiness, space, nature, vision. not fill my psyche up with all of the upset and online wars between psyches. it’s fucking tough. these are tough times and life is filled with loss and injustice. and yet it seems so natural and simple to be caring and empathetic. at the same time i have not had any expectations for a long time. it doesn’t surprise me how awful the human world is. i have been looking through realistic glasses for years. i cannot imagine the grief so many are experiencing first hand right now. my heart goes out to the living who grieve loved ones. logic and empathy clearly understand how to be tolerant and let others be who they are, treating everyone as an equal no matter their skin color, sexual preference, religion, gender, class. the fanaticism fundamental religion preaches is taught and bred into the psyche. children are being raised by poisonous hate disguised as god. it’s a ruse. i can feel my reactivity want to destroy this ruse. if only i had the power to abolish all fundamentalist ideologies. yet i know i cannot do it for anybody else, so i choose to stay loving and aware in order to give this energy to the world. i am a generator of love and wisdom, one person doing all i am capable of doing. the clouds are huge today, filled with an aqua hue. i can see how windy it is each morning by looking at the white billowing curtains of the apartment directly across from me. their window is always wide open. the wind is big today. may is sweep and clean away the debris…

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