clouds and thoughts wafting by…

i love the smell of rain and listening to birds sing. earth is a beautiful place. been feeling angry at the human bullshit game going on. been feeling sad underneath that anger. it’s hard for me to not feel this all the time. i think of krishna das, my role model. i think of maharaji, my comfort. i think of hanuman who has the strength to face the reality we live in. this is my yang side giving me courage and determination. facing what is. i think of female role models. do i have any? (thinking….) the closest person i think of is ruby (not her real name.) she is the one who inspired me to take yoga seriously and to face all i resist. thinking of ruby makes me think about lakshmi and ganesha. generosity and overcoming obstacles. lakshmi gives. ganesha is a honey. his head was cut off by his own father and replaced with an elephant head. talk about overcoming obstacles. i find it interesting how the hindu pantheon speaks to me the most even though i am rooted in the egyptian pantheon. i know they are all the same and just given different names according to culture. perhaps i was an egyptian who travelled to india in a past life. when i think of the goddess isis i am the most me. though lately brigid is becoming me. she is fire. she calms and comforts the dying. she is a bard. a more earthly incarnation of the goddess. i also relate intensely to the celtic tradition. what would i do without my non-human posse? i cannot imagine life without them. i would probably have not lasted long on earth had i not felt fully connected to the non-earthly realms. this place is beautiful but also very scary, dark, murky, filled with loss. it’s important to be here though. transformation is the name of the game. love is the reason. love come into me. i am thinking of a quote by krishna das where we was saying something about how he used to write music that was an emotional release, and now he brings through love instead of emotional releasing. he did not quite say it that way, i am paraphrasing. i feel i am on this same path. at some point i am going to make the switch from emotional release to bringing through love too. i am close, i can feel it. i don’t want to future trip. this is more of an intuitive knowing of the future i speak of. it’s what i have been working toward without realizing it. kd gave it a name for me. paved the way. though i don’t think i will be carrying on any sort of tradition or spiritual practice as he does. we shall see. morning time contemplations. i am afraid of being judged for not wanting to participate in any form of violence, gossip, or hatred. i am afraid of being judged for being “holier than thou” or “goody two shoes” or what have you. i know the learning is to allow judgement to exist and be myself. to not resist judgement by joining vibrations of hatred, gossip, and violence in order to fit in with others. i know this weakness is all the libra in my chart creating a hyper-sensitive temperament toward needing to be liked. it’s all good. these are momentary words and reoccurring patterns of the mind. i watch them roll on by, finding true nature in breath. what is scary for me might be really easy for you and vice versa. we all have our stuff.

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