no title…

saw a really good movie last night, entitled “brooklyn”. loved it. related to it. vivid dreams last night. best sleep in a week. not much to say this morning. don’t feel like blogging. force. let’s see…i will talk about the movie. i loved the innocence of the love between the characters. i always imagined love would be like that for me. little did i know it would be the total opposite. that’s how it rolls here on earth for me, this life. the breaking down of innocence. falling from the garden. i also loved the aspect of the movie about moving countries, before the age of technology, when it was a huge deal to do so. i miss the days of no computers and cell phones. i have become completely hooked on technology now. i have a smart phone. i facebook, instagram, snapchat, email, order online, skype, blog. facebook is my morning paper and main avenue of correspondence. i check my phone, not a lot, but at least once every couple of hours. oh, and i go to sleep listening to asmr videos too. i am not only going with the flow, i am creating the flow. meanwhile, in fantasy land, i would quite enjoy taking a ship across the seas to start a new life. today’s equivalent would be to go to space, i suppose. not sure i would be into that. it’s too far from home. so long as i am this body, i want earth to be my home. another crappy thing about being so techno-centric is that i don’t read books anymore. it is rare. i want to at least bring that back into the fold. complicity. i feel deeply complicit. there’s not a lot of shame surrounding it. i am the animal in the pack who goes along with things, not one to rebel. i may know the truth in my heart, but i am also ultra compliant. the reason for this is because being on the run or a misanthrope feels worse. i used to be a rebel when i was a teenager. youth allowed me to live in opposition with no fear of consequences. but i don’t feel this way anymore. i am hyper aware of how fucked up the human world is. i see through the illusions. yet still i remain a mild natured diplomat. do you think it is possible to manipulate or change temperaments at will? i don’t. i feel strongly that we are who we are, and when we change the transformation happens deep within, much deeper than the will. the will can make huge efforts to help the transformation though. ok, enough contemplating. finis.

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