very tired spiritualish blog…

life is so intense, i must meditate to survive. it’s the only way, as krishna das says, “to save my ass.” because my sensitivity is off the charts. feelings storm constantly inside of me. sorrow for the health issues of those i love. longing for a partner and a home. fear of the rug being ripped again. awe that i get to be a person here. joy for the beauty of love and this planet. anger and despair for the state of humanity. just to name a few. i can no longer live off the one year i meditated. but i found my path in kundalini yoga. the place meditating feels right. yet i make it my own modge podge cause that’s just me. some vinyasa, kriya, and meditations that come through to me, direct from spirit. nothing formal or traditional except for some of the exercises. why am i even talking about the particulars of my practice? my heart is heavy this evening. the television is on. i am calling out to maharaji every second. intense dreams last night. one was about my cohort and us getting together for days on end with no break, like a sit in. i was into it hard core. i woke up from the dream astounded. how i crave the group. my people. and yet how much i love to be alone and steep in solitude. both. one thing i have let go of is not feeling good enough. this has been a big karmic bloodline dealio this week in the depths of my being. i am not saying the karma wont return, just saying i feel love and appreciation. this human life is short. i don’t want to waste a breath mulling in neurosis. or perhaps this is the practice paying off after years of my devotion. it’s not a high. it’s a centering. a place to blossom forth from. a desire to beam into others. the tension of being human is intense. everything and everyone on the outside pulls the insides of me out. we are all one so nothing can stay contained inside anybody, but if it tries through petrification, the body will give up and die, and the soul will return. i am not interested in that. which is why letting go is my number one priority. violet flame engulf me…

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