more notes from the ashram…

more vivid weird dreams. obsessed with a play company. joined the play company. posted on facebook about it. i also built some added trailer type thing to my house or apartment or whatever i was living in. i think it was a yoga studio with a sauna or something. tossed and turned all night. my soul is restless. have not created anything in weeks now. been in the ashram in my consciousness. going through a deep letting go and a letting go of letting go and an accepting of exactly how things are and a surrender into the next phase of life. i wonder when i will feel like hanging out with friends again. i just keep wanting to be alone. i wonder when i will feel creative again. i wonder when the me that is fire will return to this earth me. a tree. a silent strong tree with a tsunami coursing through its trunk. tsunami tree started in may and hasn’t let up. mars retrograde. saturn retrograde. needing to uproot old routines and plant the seeds of new ones. i miss the lightness of being. i feel deeply humbled. don’t care about my ego, about making a name for myself, about becoming something. which is new for me. very real shedding. i know this is my uranus opposing uranus transit. i know i am coming more into real nature. shedding old youthful layers. differentiating not only from my family, but from the family of humanity. i have always felt very connected spirituality, yet what is new is the depth of the penetration. will it last? my mind is becoming more active again. wanting to know things. but there’s a shift of mind too. much less desire to pull tarot, or at least to pull about specifics. i feel spirit guiding me and i have surrendered to her movement. this is where i find peace. in the surrender. i am not here to manifest in this life. very in touch with this karma. for me, i am here to surrender. north node house 12. anyhow…the blah blah blahing is forced. i probably need to be back in seattle to love writing again. i keep thinking about painting and about a new home. just unsure when this new home will arise. could be soon or later. when i look on craigslist i see apartments i like but nothing feels right yet. it may not be the right time yet. i may need to still surrender to my same ole apartment. but i keep seeing myself painting in a larger space in a basement or something like that. the myth is far away from me right now. all the layers not physical are resting on me like a shawl, inactive. i will do yoga in a bit and stick with the creative movement of asana. body bringing spirit in is still the main focus and protocol…

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