moon day ponderings…

very weird dream last night. i was helping some woman deal with a scary mob-like criminal by putting make-up on her, pretending she was my roommate, and trying to pull the wool over the criminal’s eyes in a scheme. the feeling was terrifying for putting my life at risk because of this woman. i did not know why i was helping her. hmm. the word that comes to mind is: imposter. how do i feel like a imposter? so much of who i am i keep hidden. i wonder if this is connected? there was a point last night when my family was talking about aging and how fast time goes. tears welled up in my eyes along with deep sorrow. i felt like i could not handle life, like i wanted to collapse and stop living right then and there, that it was too much to be here. then i remembered i am just having feelings and took a funny snapchat picture. distraction. let go. when i am around my family i am mostly quiet because most everything i would talk about would not flow with their belief system, would go over their heads, or seem uninteresting and irrelevant. we are just different. so when i am visiting, it’s about being close to them, not sharing my mind. this is a good practice because i am forced to let go of reliance on beliefs and the mind. i am simply me the creature. i could not exist like this for an extended period of time. this is why seattle is my home. i can be myself fully there. sacrifice. it hurts that my soul home and bloodline home are not in the same place. there are many kinds of love. even if i cannot share my mind with my blood family, the love we have cannot be compensated in any other way. this love is a gift. thinking about life ahead of me…the entrance into my internship. school continuing. bringing myself into a new realm of helping and giving to humanity. feels scary and good. i would not say it makes me happy to help others. happiness for me is about making art and being a capricious, wild and free spirit. yet it does feel like my destiny to help others. it feels like a need. my karma. another sacrifice. the wild spirit sacrifices for the destiny of selfless service. the soul sacrifices bloodline proximity for a compatible habitat. discernment is key because knowing which sacrifices to make leads the path. i follow the path of the soul first. it feels pretty serious. i am aware it does not have to feel so serious, but i am also aware that i am judging myself for my serious constitution and need to let that go and be who i am. and by be who i am i mean the big me, spirit me. seriousness is only an element. this blog is only a flash…

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