powerful trickster, dreams, belonging…

intense dreams last night about attraction, men, romantic love. the pot is being stirred in my subconscious. in one the dreams he was telling me he can’t do basements with no windows (where i was living in the dream), he needs a top floor with windows. he was adamant even though we hugged for minutes in a warm loving connected embrace. he needed to refuse me. when he left i knew i needed to go on a meditation retreat in joshua tree. in another dream i was being hired at a metaphysical store to work the counter, hesitant to take the job cause it’s not in my new profession, but i needed money. the boss’s assistant was training me and we were very attracted to one another. so much that just being beside each other made us both flare up in that heat. our actions got a little out of hand in a discreet not fully expressed way. i wonder if the symbols in these dreams are as metaphorical as i want to make them. is the basement the unconscious? can he just not go that deep? is this my fear? and in the other dream, is the attraction that must be kept hidden my karmic pattern? i dunno. who knows anything anymore inside this michelle mind of mine. i am not thinking about it anymore. i’ll let my dreams do the thinking. i’m over it consciously. i got bigger fish to set free. but i must admit, the dreams did awaken my longing. again. the waves come and go. i am sure that’s why i dreamed about doing a meditation retreat. to learn how to ride out the waves of longing with more grace until the right man enters my physical reality for a relationship. having a 12th house north node is no fun always having to turn longing into transcendental love. i feel my lack of grace creature kicking and screaming wanting wanting wanting body expression so bad it hurts type thing. it will arrive, there there creature. balance. and so forth. no need to think on this. went out to celebrate my niece’s engagement last night. both nieces were there with their loves, two really good men. as flannery o’conner wrote, good men are hard to find. these are two very good men. my nieces got it right, right from the get-go. compatible fulfilling balancing mature connections. it’s interesting how the women in my family chose tolerant laid back men to balance out their fiery intense brightness. am i the same? perhaps. the mind sees patterns, that’s all. we went to reston town center for dinner. the town center is an outdoor mall, somewhat fancy, with a big courtyard in the center. the place was packed. a stage hosted live karaoke. tons of couples and families dined on the restaurant patios. i sat outside after dinner and observed. the thought in my head was, “i don’t belong here.” an ancient thought caught in the net of repetition from years of disappointment. i caught myself thinking it and noticed how it wasn’t true. another old flame to let go of. i belong wherever i go, that’s the real truth. the mind is a powerful trickster.

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