on the other side…

i am finally better. what a relief. i can’t tell you how good it feels to want to put styling product in my hair again. to desire movement. to not feel worry. i kept it pretty positive through the entire illness, but i did have my moments. now that i feel better i am not perceiving my body cleanse with extremism anymore either. moderate and slow, that’s how i roll. less is more. i am craving juicing though, that’s for sure. i am also craving yoga again. funny how health immediately effects desire. having this animal body is interesting fodder for the soul. so temperamental. also so beautiful even with every flaw. i love flaws. got flourite and rose quartz back on the wrist and a plane ride in a few hours. the sky is blue and birds are chirping. snow covers the mountains in the distance. tomorrow i will be laying under the hot sun in a bathing suit, thanking the desert for existing. in a few days i will fly to my home of origin, virginia. at last i will spend time in person with my family. just to see them is all i need. to be in the aura of the blood. to pet the dogs. family. it’s time to leave the abstract thoughts behind. time to not think about purpose and vision, but to simply talk about nothing in the kitchen. time to not feel like a solo-priestess learning to be empowered but instead be a girl with dark hair and eyes who used to catch fire flies in her hands at night. i spent seven days in exile. the only time i spoke with anyone was with the doctor, lyft drivers, white cobra for about five minutes when she dropped off sheets, vajra for five minutes to pick up thieves oil, and my parents on skype. it was an urban retreat. watched a ton of netflix. stared a ton out the window. pulled a few cards. slept. did not paint or write aside from blog. had prolific dreams. i feel on the other side of who i was before. i feel the tower card beneath my feat. i don’t know where to live, whom i will partner with, what job i will get right out of school, or even where my internship will be. all will be revealed. today the creative projects feel miniscule. i don’t care about art. i care about people. this is just a mood, nothing real. the desire is palpable yet i cannot understand it. it’s not that i don’t care about art. it’s that i don’t care about just myself and what my dreams and goals are. this is part of my transformation. i have always cared deeply for humanity. bodhisattva style. i am just feeling it deeper. the callings shift as the soul awakens. when the callings shift, everything shifts. new life. rebirth.

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