sunshine’s random trails…

the sun is out. i am still not better. slept for a million hours like a piece of lead. awoke drowsy and forced myself out of bed, very unlike me cause i am a morning person. ate toast and it made my tummy hurt. darnit. but it’s ok. i am beginning a long term cleanse and changing all of my habits. this illness is a call to brighter health. gonna write this blog then take a slow walk under the languid sun. tomorrow i get on the plane. how i am longing for my blood family right now. how strange to see the sun this morning after a week of clouds. feeling disoriented. maybe the sun will heal me. gotta do a load of laundry, pack, prepare. so many dreams last night. they were about life being unfair. getting in touch with the virgo energy this year. health, innocence, devotion to spirit, productivity. i feel it. i needed this illness to feel it. i suddenly am remembering when i lived in magnolia upon first landing in seattle in 1999. how me and my friend turned the kitchen into a painting studio on the floor. the first night we moved in we set up a six pointed star of tea lights on the floor, on top of a tarp, in order to bless the home. we watched a fly land on the tip of the silver tea light holder and then fly right into the flame to die. i remember when we met robert cervantes at bauhaus coffee. within a week he was living with us for free on the couch. my friend and him were having some sort of romance. i played the role of mother to them while they were jobless and i was working as a tutor for americorps. we would hang out every night along with our other pals. cervantes was off of heroine and a sweet handsome fellow who played acoustic guitar and thought he was a vampire. this was a thing in the nineties, outcasts believing they were vampires. months and many arguments later, he got a place of his own. my friend moved out too because the apartment spooked her. i got a roommate off the internet who was a born again. i told him he was moving into the house of the goddess and that he better not try to convert me. he was cool with it. i came home one night to find him reading on the couch stark naked. he thought this was perfectly fine. cervantes got back into the bible and told us he was walking home to chicago on a vision quest to connect with jesus. he was also going to write out the entire bible by hand. about six months later, the same friend i lived with in magnolia was helping me move to santa fe to go to grad school. first night in my new home and we got word that cervantes had overdosed in the bathtub and died. hadn’t touched heroine in three years and then he did. santa fe didn’t last long for me. i remember walking backwards through the labyrinth in front of my school speaking magical words to undo my destiny. i remember talking online to a guy in san diego who was from malta. i remembered a few of my past lives there. i was also falling into a depression. a clerk at a store told me that santa fe will either nurture you or kick you out fast, depending on your karma. one month later i had a meltdown and fled. went back to vegas and was losing ground quickly, living in a tiny room for free with the same friend and two other dysfunctional messes in a dirty apartment by the campus. i met a guy who glommed onto my resources and caring nature. we drove up to seattle on a whim one night and i decided i needed to move back. he might of used me but he was a catalyst for me too. i needed him to get myself back to the mother ship. enter life two in seattle. these stories feel ancient to me now. ancient stories of chaos, madness, youth. i have no point to make. one of the aspects i love about blog is the complete freedom i have to not summarize or point out anything. i can trail off and be random all i want. time to go take a walk in the sun…

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