transformation is afoot. today is the first day i feel mostly better from this illness. staying in rest mode till i leave for family vacation. this week has led me into a state of purification. i am feeling so clear, calm, resolute. i am also feeling love coursing through my body, nourishing me. there is no void. spirit fills me up. a new home calls my name but i don’t know when, where, or how. all i know is i am ready to produce more creatively and with school, have more nature and peace, nourish my body and spirit more, live with somebody, and find a new rhythm. renewal. there is huge ending happening. i am ending a very long life cycle of letting go. it is time to let go of letting go. it is time for building. the physical moment calls to me like a lover. i am responding. currently the rain is pouring down in skinny high pitched tones. misty rain. not heavy and sad, but springy and cleansing. i don’t feel fear in this creature heart. i feel serenity. the serenity that stems from purification. i love this feeling. i feel like my true nature, a blue lily storm. the apartment across from me has had a screenless window wide open for days. the wind billows through white curtains contrasting old red bricks through the misty rain. beautiful. a quiet…sunday is it? i could do well living in exile. it’s easy to adapt to this lifestyle. i could live in an ashram very comfortably. the sweetness of spirit without ego, the simplicity of water, tea, and toast. reaching out to people through emails and texts. almost no talking. movies and tv shows (not so ashram). communing with source. visionary dreaming. quietly living. it’s a phase but also a transformation because i am longing for more of this. more innocence. my city ego is dwindling. will it return? i don’t want it to. i want to find the space and peace to write a very long myth out, tale by tale. i want to make a tarot deck to coincide. i want to finish grad school get my hours and become a therapist. i want to write a non-fiction book about love maybe too. i want to make a play. the space i need to do all of this work is coming toward me. it is not here. this apartment has served me well. it’s taken me through two boyfriends and one love, writing a novel, overcoming my fears and anxieties, being a vinyasa warrior, being part of the capitol hill community, and other things i am forgetting. it’s been a place to hermit and work magic. i am grateful. i still love aspects of it: light rail proximity, the view, large for a studio, no walls touching neighbor’s walls. it’s the longest place i have lived in my entire life. five years. who knew? who knows how long it will take to transition. i am patient. summer is here, my least favorite season. but i feel this is going to be a powerful summer. not stagnant or too hot. not losing myself in socializing like i usually do. my awareness levels are sharp. false refuge holds no appeal. but you know if i am stating these things, their opposites are smirking and plotting to corner me. i recognize that. i have hope for the world. i feel the oppression lifting. this is just my energetic read. i know it sounds crazy with how awful things seem, but i feel it. a new world is birthing.