very long ramble to match very long illness…

i realized i was being overly dramatic (in fear) yesterday about hoping i create enough solitude in the future. i see now in retrospect how i went from the portland trip to finding out about joanna’s passing, to worrying about my niece, to school, to a very busy social week. it was too much. i did not know how to give myself the space needed. i know i am repeating myself, but there’s a realization i keep having that i am embossing into my cells with repetition: the dark serves the light.

this horrible illness gave me the space i needed. at my school conference, illness and my inner demon gave me space to cry cleansing tears. this is the sacred marriage. when the dark serves the light they marry and a new paradigm is created beyond the dualism of dark and light.

my inner dark lord was once a catalyst for self destruction. now he guides me to healing. the dark lord is no longer a threat. he is a care taker of my soul. this is the work of inner alchemy and it has taken me twenty years to get here.

soon i wont refer to my insides as dark and light. i am transcending the hero’s journey. eastern philosophy already transcends it by seeing the that dualism itself is a story, and that everything the mind thinks is only a story.

disclaimer: the story is beautiful, rich, creative, and the way humans digest and make meaning of life. i honor and love the story. the important thing is to recognize that the story is not true nature. true nature is much more expansive and mysterious than the story. true nature can be felt but not defined. the story is like a costume true nature wears in order to participate in being human, which relies upon definition to create meaning.

the first time i ever meditated was around 2010 in new york city. a miracle moment occurred. within minutes i suddenly felt who i am, for real, as my breath. as i felt my true self i also saw my thoughts jabbering away about my entire life in my usual narrative. in that moment i understood the mental narrative was not me. i understood that the thoughts about my life were a mechanism of my humanity, but nothing more. it was profound. i came out of the meditation transformed.

for weeks after i felt empty inside because my thoughts felt suddenly useless. but then i recalibrated and thoughts became interesting again. i continued to meditate every day for about a year and then stopped. the miracle stuck. from then on i knew thoughts were only thoughts. i could see the story as a story. it was easy. but you know how it goes, life creeps back in. deeper layers of story emerged but i did not tend to them as i journeyed through moving back to seattle, relationships, writing a book, confusion, set backs, etc. i was healing some top layers but still not seeing what was beneath (timing is everything).

without getting to those deeper layers, i jumped into being a vinyasa yoga warrior archetype for two years. i needed to build strength before plunging deeper. i overcame many fears. i built my will to be strong and solid. i also built an equanimous mind. it got the point where my life became like glaze on doughnut. routine grabbed hold of me tight. i played it safe on my safe playing field. the fears i had overcome were long gone. the strong will i had built was growing restless. my equanimous mind felt lazy. i realized i was stagnating. creative output stopped. i felt myself hit a wall. i decided it was time for new life.

enter grad school. it woke me back up by placing me in a new container with new people. not the spiritual comfort zone. not easy. the time to plunge deep had arrived. my identity got shaken up right way. i was letting go of being a bohemian, my long term identity. the story was built in order to protect the deeper layers of pain needing to be understood and released. it was scary to let go of that costume to face what was underneath. i could also see the spiritual costumes i had relied upon to protect me from the pain underneath them, such as the warrior. costumes can help and hinder at the same time. this is the nature of the story. the miracle moment in new york boomeranged back to me.

suddenly i can see all of my stories about who i am as a story. grad school is the new cauldron for this healing alchemy. here i am, going through it. my cohort are my people for this journey. they challenge and comfort me. we are a strange brew of familiarity and newness. the warrior is obsolete but the priestess remains as my constant costume and story of transformation. it is time for the priestess to evolve from seer to therapist, which feels really good to my creature heart. i would much rather be a spiritual therapist than a pragmatic seer in terms of what i feel is needed to help others and bring joy to myself.

the artist costume also remains but is ready to evolve. not sure how yet on a mental story level. i remain a curious being. a learning being.

making sacrifices is part of the path. oh the pain of being away from my blood family whom i love so deeply it hurts my heart. the sacrifice of letting go of the long lived free spirit in favor of helping humanity in more grounded and devotional way, is another marriage of opposites. who knows what will happen tomorrow though. this blog is a story too. this blog is a ramble. if anybody stayed interested enough to read the entire thing, thank you for wanting to know more about me.

who knew that grad school would be the thing? i had dropped out of schools three times in the past and i believe made a vow never to return. this is the beauty of life at work. how life surprises. how callings wont quit. how people are magnets and soulmates are real. cause underneath this story of my process glitters the nectar. relationships. it’s not vajra, it’s the people who work there. it’s not saybrook, it’s the people who attend and teach there. my deepest meaning is made up of those i love.

well, there are actually two deepest meanings. the spiritual dream i had a few nights ago is the other meaning. though that is relationship too. in that dream i connected to my andromedan aspect where sentience is made of light, feeling, and creativity. there is no flesh or duality. no karma or linear time. to be able to connect to that home and bring it here to this home on earth as michelle, is another treasure of love. there exists the inside loves and the outside loves. nevertheless, it is all love.


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