the return of the sun…

today is the first day i really feel on the mend. thought it was yesterday but i took a nose dive in the afternoon. we shall see how today goes. no more advil. i do feel loads better compared to yesterday. spent the morning researching my solar return chart and watching videos about deve premal and mitten. last night i dreamed a powerful dream. i was being taught the architecture of reality. i awoke briefly to absorb the realization of how time being an illusion actually works with the non-time reality beneath. it was so cool. i feel transformed by this wisdom, for it gives structure to how subjective reality operates and why it is operating. this is my bliss. feel like i needed to get sick to get to this dream come to me, or that i needed solitude. once again, i am finding myself in a constant battle between interacting with community and getting needed solitude. i don’t want to have to keep manifesting sickness when i need to be alone. my future stresses me out. i know this is not truth talking. it is fear, ego, worry. i get it. let it go. i just need to say for the record, that having five days of complete solitude is nourishment for my soul. it brings forth my purpose into dreams as insight and creative ideas. how will i learn to give myself the right balance?  it will happen. my karma is in its proper flow, it can’t not be. i have learned boundaries but i still get lost  in each person i am beside, no matter what. each person is a large dose of intensity, no matter what. how do i differentiate with my acute sensitivity? i hear the answer within say, “though spiritual practice.” it is always the only way. my desire to purify is strong. feeling like i want to bring drinking alcohol to the next level, from moderate to light. i might be on my way to stopping drinking all together. i know it will be through a phasing out, if i do. need to avoid extremes. i also feel the the need to return to vegetarian eating. how much i would love to eat a fully plant based diet. maybe i will get there when cheese does not hold so much power over my pleasure. these changes are coming from within. they are not shoulds. i feel so much happiness inside from softness, innocence, and my connection to the source of life. this joy completely outweighs the pleasures gained from a buzz or cheese. you cannot even compare the two. i know how the swing works too. the back and forth of desire contrasting my deeper desire to love the animals and honor my body. the nature of growth is to harmonize polarity. i surrender to the path, not the outcome. my north node is in virgo this year which makes health the key. how boring, i know. i wont keep talking about this. only this blog. i also cannot talk about my dream here either. not the place. the sun is coming out today with the return of my physical health. nature always mirrors my own well being. it feels like i am gaia herself. we all are gaia. netflix writes amazing television by the way. “grace and frankie” might be the best show i have seen since “six feet under.” i love good television shows that i can binge watch during sickness or on zone out nights. i am in love with the story. i have to admit that i enjoy watching more than reading. judge away. i love acting and directing, camera shots and lighting. i love the entire process of making a story come to life with humans, props, sets, imagination. i know there’s a lot of bullshit about hollywood and the business too. i can’t watch anything horror, violent, or murder oriented either. no way can i handle “game of thrones.” i cannot even handle “law and order.” only shows that teach me something and open my heart in some way do i watch. even “entourage” did that. i had to endure rampant sexism (which was hard) but the relationship between the guys inspired me and that’s why i watched it. yet violence, no way. i get more sensitive every year to this. anyhow, not much else to report. feels wonderful to feel the sun inside and out again. tears and fears have their own merit though. i welcome all the phases of being human. reality is a kaleidoscope…

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