exile babble…

still sick but i think i am half way better. today i wont take advil unless i get a fever. maybe the fever is gone? i have become slightly fearful of it because when it hits i shiver like a banshee, so much i think i might crack my teeth (paranoia) and the emotions that come out are…well…so creature. raw and intense. yeti. animal. wailing out to life to help me. it’s powerful how much physical health matters. feeling humbled. feeling the call to cleanse. to take care of myself even more. i long for a more nurturing life. this is nothing new. i am on repeat again. i am even repeating that i am repeating. three days off of all my habits and innocence is bursting through in little florets. i love this feeling. it’s scary to bring it into the world because it doesn’t belong here, but this is who i am. today i am feeling softness, compassion, total forgiveness, and letting go of armor. the wounds feels like they are transforming into love and closing up, fully healing. there is a feeling inside me that is stronger than a cup of coffee or a glass of wine. stronger than the pleasure habits. this feeling is emollient and liberating. i don’t plan on canceling out habits, but i do feel like a lightening is in effect. less of the outside in, more of the inside out. we shall see. this is exile talk. but i know exile is for a reason. sickness is for a reason. hope is returning. i am on the down side of the sick slope. a friend texted me that i was processing grief through this illness. she is right. i did not know how to say to everyone that i need to be alone for a week. sickness made it legit. i saw this kind of thing happen at my last school conference too. illness and feeling crappy about myself helped me to get what i needed. i see that my lesson right now is to be clear about what i need and create it for myself or ask for help. if you cannot do that, your subconscious will figure out an alternative pathway. i don’t want alternative pathways. my friends have shown up for me big time this week, offering what they can give. i am really taken care of by my friend family. i realize that i can have very little money and be ok. sheets, entertainment, homemade soup, offers to get stuff for me…i am truly thankful and moved. my roots and sense of community i have built here is a powerful aspect of my life. i am part of several communities…vajra, school, and my homies from the midwest and vegas. so much love. this is richness to me. love is richness. it would be nice to make more money, and i will be doing that too, but it’s not my priority. i guess it’s just not me to be material focused even though i do want material things like a solid beautiful home. i think part of me is here in this life to transcend the tight grip on the material aspect of life, while still having balance and enjoying it. for the physical aspect is a gift and the divine’s work of art. this makes me think of another thing infinite waters said about soulmate love. he said that first you are attracted to their heart, then their mind, and then their appearance. with shallow attractions it is the other way around. i feel this. i have experienced this, but it was not reciprocated. oh well. gotta just keep on keepin on…

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