sicker than a dog, or however that saying goes. the fever rounds. two days of it already. so going to a doctor later. thank goodness for lyft. it’s been a pretty crappy two days. but last night i had an interesting dream. i was visited by a hedgehog in my dream. his name was blake. blake the hedgehog. he crawled away from his brethren, over the cage wall and toward me. he came to me. i looked up hedgehog totem significance and it has to do with sharing more with others, not taking others personally if they don’t understand me. basically, take time to rest and rejuvenate and then share myself with others. i feel like going to the doctor is part of this. i never go to doctors. it’s sharing myself with another. so is getting in a lyft. i am reminded of when i broke my ankle in san francisco and the city helped me get through it. cab drivers, security guards, ambulance workers, doctors, medical billers, new friends, baristas. i was taken care of but not by close friends or family at the very beginning. in seattle i have roots. i think about my friends who have reached out to me while sick, offering help. it feels good to know they are here for me and that we really are a friend family. then i think about what blake was wanting to tell me. the message feels like, “i am safe.” or as they say at saybrook, “safe enough.” had i not been feeling safe? it’s embarrassing, but i think i was feeling like i don’t belong in waves, on and off, like this fever. watched a bunch of you tube videos yesterday by infinite waters (diving deep). it got me back to remembering how programmable we are and how programmable this reality is. i am programmed to feel sad and like i don’t belong. it’s not real. it is real in the sense that things happened in my upbringing to program those messages into my body. but it is not real today. today i share love with many people. sure, i don’t have true love, the partner love, whatever you wanna call it. that was what one of the videos was about by infinite waters. “how to know if they are your soulmate.” he talked about us having many soulmates, i feel that too. only some are romantic. when it is a soulmate, you uplift one another’s energy, you bring out the best versions of each other, you are magnetically drawn to each other from the start, you want to spend your time with them and think about them when you don’t, and when they do things that normally would get you upset, you let is slide with them, like they have a free pass. i am not sure if i agree or not with, but my heart feels good about the message. maybe being alone for so long has made me too pragmatic in my romantic thinking. i don’t know. typing is tiring. back to rest….