i can’t tell if i am sick or not. or rather, i can tell i am not completely physically well, but i cannot tell if i need to stay home today and rest. slept nine hours. tummy not feeling so hot. slight headache. fatigue. i don’t want to be sick though. who does? took a steaming hot morning sea salt bath and feeling baptized by the water. intense dreams again last night but i cannot really remember. wandered the streets yesterday in slow motion, attempting to walk out all of my feelings. no thoughts, only feelings that have no names to them. language is too small to contain the inner vastness. my intuition says my body is calling out for something emotional but not sure what. nurturing perhaps? i feel so alone sometimes. strength is replaced by weakness. i eradicate both terms from my brain and it feels more like expansiveness and contraction. my heart is hurting. finding out about joanna dying. my niece going through cancer treatment. having nobody to come home to, to cook for, to nestle with, to feel some form of warmth other than from the inside out. this is not pity i am feeling. just a need going unmet. a sorrow. a confusion. a stunned gentle creature. i have no fierce in me right now. only tenderness. not a comfort zone. maybe it was that eleven minute heart opening meditation i did last week. who cares. i am dreaming about my cohort every single night. they have seeped into my subconscious. i really want to go over to his house today to pain violet mu as i had planned, and not have to stay home and rest. i think of the reading that said to saturate in my me-ness. mu is my me-ness. no yoga today. mooning. i feel like a reed. i feel like weeping. the birds softly sing outside the closed windows, sweetening the city and my ears.