tales from the rain storm…

last night at work an old familiar feeling possessed me. i felt sad, scared, and overwhelmed all at once. i found myself longing to live near my blood family and feeling guilty for not being near them. as a rain storm pounded itself down outside the window, so did one inside my heart. i felt fear that the world was about to come crashing down, that the grid would go out, and a catastrophe would hit. i felt sad that i had to go home alone. i wanted to be rescued by a white knight. i wanted to go home and find refuge in our safe and solid home i could rely upon for years to come. tenderness and femininity flared strong in my blood. talked it all out with ruby as i observed the feelings. found refuge in spirit within and walked home in the pouring rain. my plan was to delve into “sex and the city” reruns to comfort myself, but soon after i started in on one episode the internet messed up. so i faced myself, crying out the feelings in silence while staring into the urban stormy night sky. i felt sorrow for my niece’s current trial even though i know she will triumph over cancer. i felt sorrow for everyone in my blood family. the sorrow was authentic and needed release. i longed for us to all be together living a village life, not separated…but reality has brought us to three different states and nobody is willing to live where the other makes home. why is life so challenging? i know why. i don’t need anymore why answers. just needed to cry and to feel it out of the body. i also felt gratitude that there was a huge umbrella to walk home under and that my family is filled with love through all of our various trials. i thought about my true love, whomever this man will be. i wanted him last night in that sensitive creature way. i wanted to cry into his chest until the storm passed. the sky played his role instead. i cried into the chest of night, finding comfort in the lit up building windows. the storm, both inside and out, finished in an hour maybe less. i felt replenished. i thought about the conversation at work. about “being on the other side of the slope” as i called it. hitting age 40, when you begin the downward slide toward death. it’s just a certain lens i am looking through here, seeing life as a large bell curve. how different it feels to be on this side of the curve. how drastically the flavor of life changed for me after turning 41. how often i think about death, aging, and family of blood and soul. how love becomes the most important thing because youth cannot dream into an endless future anymore. i know we can die at any time and my youth was dark, by no means was i living in any proverbial garden of eden as a young person. but still, i dreamed big and felt time to be endless, i did not worry for my family, or think about aging. it was a time all about my own healing and growth. a time of expansion only. oh, the bliss of ignorant youth, like a blip on the screen of infinity. i still feel young in spirit, timeless really…but my body shows all the signs of being on the down slope. life takes away our attachment to the physical on purpose and not just with aging. i can trip out on this. i am tripping out on this…on the temporal nature of everything physical. last night i dreamed about discontent. mine and certain friends. i observe how my mind is looking through a lens of unhappiness with the popping up of vulnerability last night. i am not going to try fix this like a super hero on crack. i am going to accept exactly where i am at and gently lead my mind back to balance with nourishment, like leading a stray horse to a greener pasture with gentle and wise love. no big deal. the longing in my heart for touch, earth, family, partnership, animals, cooking, gardening…it’s not a comfortable place for me to dwell. i am used to being the gypsy pitching city tents, single, plastic plates, quick meals, no pets, on the fly, living for the invisible, the creative, the visionary, the myth, for love as a state of being and not a solid tangible thing. i see my identity and release the grip on it. destiny is playing out, co-creating with my intentions. i will let karma be what it is and build with pragmatic step by step hands. i feel happy to be alive in all the stages of life. it’s taken me a long time to feel this way. i love my blood and soul family. i love this go-around as michelle. finis and infinity. some aspects end while other aspects live on forever…

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