chopped thursday thoughts…

a rainy day. slight sprinkles. a bit of blue in the sky. space heater on. long deep sleep with dreams i don’t recall. feeling a shift in my being. from anxiety to peace again. from insecurity to security. from shadow to light. from group back to individual. another round back in the belly and out again. another cracking open completed. i am pushing myself. realizing that discomfort is the gift. truly. meaning, for the rest of my life i will enter times of discomfort to grow and this i fully embrace. coming out of a spell. no arrival point. no need for cessation of fear. feeling fearless. wanting deep intimacy. seeing so clearly the defense mechanism of avoidance. the comfort zone of ambivalence. and that the secure attachment i seek happens with the release of old ways no longer serving. it’s a feeling. each painting i paint takes me closer into feeling truth. i am riding planes of color into the heart. green. go. ready. blue calm and inner knowing. we all are sparks appearing here for one time only as who we are in this life. returning back to vajra is comfort food. simpatico enough to be a place of ease. surrounded by stones and incense. sassy robust women. vajra is my core on the outside. a totem. searching through tarot decks at quest books. cannot find a new one because i need to make one. i know this and face resistance. the usual suspects. something important happening has my heart the most right now. sending my niece healing energy. seeing only health. this life is a ride. chaos theory. i feel it. the underlying design is not pre-created by a static god. it is being created in the moment by living sentience hidden deep within each cell and atom. i bow down to the experience…

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