notes on healing…

during tarot readings with a friend last night i articulated my process of healing and letting go of the old programs. i realized that as i go along, knowing the story is just a story gets easier. these days i can only dive into the story and forget it is a story for brief moments. in the olden days, i could get stuck for days, months, even years in it. so that part i feel i have mastered. yet what see, is that the easier it gets to know the story is just a story, the harder it gets to face the feelings that arise when the story is removed. this leads to the awareness that when the story is removed, much more of the feelings emerge. for instance, when i release the story that my perspective is not valuable to others, much more of my insecurities arise, i feel deeper feelings of shame. if i were to buy into the story of my perception not being valuable to others, shame gets sedated by blame. i will either blame myself for being stupid, or blame others for being closed minded. blame represses shame. this all being said, my insecurities are at the surface and seething through my blood stream like hot sizzling bacon. it’s so uncomfortable to feel this shame arise. removing the story is so uncomfortable. i feel raw and exposed. beneath the shame is more. deeper layers of feelings. it goes back to past lives. the feeling may not even have a name. sorrow is the closest name. i am allowing these feelings to emerge and be present. i noticed last night too, that when i tap in to my inner yeti (my root chakra), the insecurities vanish. i realize that i place much emphasis on my beliefs defining me, but when i tap into my inner yeti, i am just me the creature. i am a warm and inviting creature. i am loving and available. i am robust and passionate. when i tap into this aspect i don’t feel shame. i only feel shame concerning my beliefs, which for me are not beliefs at all, but literally my reality. i don’t believe in past lives, i remember them. i don’t believe in the soul, i feel the soul. this is what sparks the shame, for how my reality is my reality. it is also where identity gets tricky. i still do not need to be defined by my perception of reality. i can be defined by simply being a warm loving creature. my perception of reality is secondary to be a warm loving creature. i think this must be a process of differentiation i am journeying through. my ambivalent attachment is overly concerned with what others think about me and being loved by those who don’t show it. i understand the work is to build a secure attachment within myself. then i wont need the other to give to me. self-generation serves the group because if i feel secure inside i can give to others. always more work to do. but it is summer now and i have the opportunity to delve into my “spiritual” world completely until school starts up again in the fall. i hope by fall to be able to share my internal experience more directly, from the heart. i did not realize what i was going through until this last conference was over. i cannot realize things so quickly when in a group. trust is building inside, for this process. i am gonna let every feeling out like it is a child that needs my full attention and love. this is the path of the sacred marriage within…

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