number two in motion…

blog number two, from the bolt bus due to writing being the only thing and so why not blog and make a big run on sentence like the long road of the highway back to the north where my studio awaits me. i feel heaviness in my heart still. it’s almost getting worse as the day goes by. i have a hunch that getting back to solitude will reset my energy before the cohort on wednesday. hoping. don’t want to arrive with heaviness but if i do it is meant to be. this heaviness is existential. i am not reacting to anything in particular happening. it is coming from within me. listening to krishna das riding over the river. clouds are dark and light. i keep having flashes of feeling like this is the last time. no tears. just an observation. nothing golden lasts as robert frost wrote. i don’t know what i am saying nor care to. i am so tired inside. i feel so weary. why? whose feeling is this? it’s not mine. it started last night. i recognize i am swirling inside a family system i am unaware of consciously. spirits are using me-that’s a line from some song. i want to get back to the floor that i love, with some lace and paper flowers. another line. my heart is found in words. the world through tinted windows. lana del rey. feet don’t fail me now, take me to the finish line. this is boring. why is life the way it is? no reason. reasons turn to swords and swords pierce the tenderness. no need for why. just cry. we are learning how to love and whom to love. everyone. feeling like the celestial sphere as whole. my pores are stars. my mind is nebulous. ultimately here to observe. at peace with the way it all works. in cycles. with a rhythm. thirsty. headache. fuck it. dive. be more here. more present. writhe in discomfort when the fear swells like a fat caterpillar. it’s still just a bug. not just a bug. why the word “just” all the time. what is the unconscious need to minimize? i have learned it since the beginning of time. slavery. oligarchy. injustice. i could bite every head off like kali if i wasn’t who i am. a lover not a fighter. discernment. krishna in the chariot tell arjuna he must fight because fighting is before him. the ride. life passing before my eyes. robert frost stuck in my eyelashes. words are how i survive…

2 thoughts on “number two in motion…

  1. I hear you, sister. Seattle welcomes you back with open arms. I use the word “just” a lot too & find myself using that word in my papers for school. I wonder to myself, do I feel like I need to defend why I feel what I do? I dunno… You got me thinking about it. Looking forward to seeing in class on Wednesday- all of you & whichever visitors that show up. 💖

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