needing an outlet….

i wish i could say i want to move back to portland, but i just don’t feel it as my home. i do enjoy it here immensely. there’s a safety and a comfort here. it’s the way a valley makes me feel. held. went to eighties prom night with friends and we had a good ole time. drank too much vodka and sang that journey song “don’t stop believing” like it was my last night on earth. i needed to dork out like that, felt so good. spent the next day hanging with the animals and my friends, talking, eating mexican food for breakfast. my friends down here are truly shire people and i appreciate them for that. i miss seattle already though. it’s my home. i don’t have too many thoughts. there’s a lot of heaviness going on in people’s lives all around and i think i am just polarizing the energy by staying calm and in a certain zone. i don’t feel sad or happy, i don’t feel angry. i just am not feeling much. no sentiment. it’s mother’s day and i appreciate the moms but forced holidays never really ping my authenticity. blah blah blah. it’s like, i expect it all, no surprises. i don’t expect lightness or justice. my feet are planted firmly in this fucked up reality, and i don’t have a game plan other than being a force of love and awareness. my love is not glossy or sentimental. my love holds swords of truth. we watched star wars last night, the new one. it sort of brought tears to my eyes. sentimental sensitivity  coursed through me last night. think it’s from staying in her home, she tends to melt off my walls. maybe i have walls. i don’t know. feelings come and go. not important. what is important is something i do not know how to pinpoint. a work of art, a group collaboration. something big inside something small. my cohort meets in a few days. i finally feel ready and excited. i need a good challenge. wish i had more to say. maybe i just need to do kundalini yoga. my mood is edgy. i need solitude but i am also appreciative and happy to be here. i use the word “just” a lot. there is some anger brewing in this blood. i feel a tiny bit of a lit fuse. whatever. this too shall pass. watch the kaleidoscope and the spectacle within and without…until the game plan takes shape and form…i guess.

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