elevator stories and vanishings…

oh what to say, feeling pretty silent. just want to get on the mat and do what feels good, because the rest of life feels strange right now. i am dreaming about world catastrophe every night. last night the grid was out and i was telling somebody my plan. first find one person, then a group, something like that. i think about the grid going out a lot because i live alone, so if it happens for a long period of time, and i am at home, i will not be able to call a friend. i will have to use my instincts to find somebody on the hill, or partner up with somebody else alone needing a partner. i figure if this happens, the universe will provide me with the right situation for my soul’s growth. always does. i think about not being able to reach my family or friends who are far because there is no service to technology and no transportation other than walking or biking. it fills me with sorrow. i think of the book, “memoir of a geisha” of which i could not finish because it was too brutal, but how the little girl was sold and never saw her family again. shit like that happens. this realm is scary. i think about tidal waves and being eaten by rats but magically he made me laugh in the elevator so now i laugh when i get scared of grotesque death. i used to laugh when i got hurt as a kid. i recall smashing my body into a cement tunnel structure, falling out of a tall tree, smashing into a garage door on roller skates, being pummeled in some ball game….each time i busted up laughing. i had no fear of hurting my physical body. though i was very afraid of the queen of the devil at night because my friend loreena told me that she shows up in mirrors in the dark. i was very afraid of the kids at school because i never knew when they would act out on me. social fears and monster fears are less scary than total catastrophe. yet i am not afraid of this fear either. i will walk through the pain and sorrow. i am not afraid to hurt emotionally, i am not afraid to lose. i feel supported by the universe in such a way that i don’t feel separate, so if we all go into a shadow storm together, i will know it is intimate and beautiful to be forced to let go of all of my hopes, dreams, and everyone i love except those in proximity,  to take the ride. i suppose this is my safety net inside. one positive thing about spending so much time working on myself is how flexible i have become. look on the bright side ole chap. i am looking cause i need a break from looking on the dark side. i know the dark side so well i could reimagine it on another planet and create an exact replica. i am a hirable world simulator. i feel a bit wacky today. the pook is out in full garb. she wants to scramble logic. life is what you make of it. seriousness is tidal waving into surrealism. on the outside though, you just see this woman. appearances, don’t let them fool you. you can be singing your heart out and nobody would know. dream with me…

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