yoga, true love, art, and facing fear…

two whole days without blogging, i cannot recall the last time i went this long. but now i am back to the practice. hello blog, i feel better being near you again. just letting the words flow, no need for making them sound any certain way, no need to make sense, using as many commas as i want, however it needs to come out, swishing coconut oil in my mouth, another morning has arrived, and i am alive. kundalini yoga. it’s all about the breath. i continue to transform from these very simple and ancient exercises. yesterday i developed a self practice of kundalini mixed with vinyasa. or it flowed out of me, and then i wrote it down. felt amazing to incorporate both, to get the breath and movement going in the body like that, a certain bliss, just for connecting spirit to body. the ancient ones knew. there’s this meditation at the end, where you cover your third eye with the left hand while sticking your right arm straight out in front. it’s specifically for this age of technology and information. i feel it when i do it. i feel my mind slow and calm down. been a little nutso these past three days with communication. i can hardly stand to be on facebook. feeling the need for a big break. will i take it? i dunno. i like seeing what the simulacarea is up to i suppose. i love the internet. just need the balance is all. i don’t like looking at my smart phone a lot. i cannot scroll on my phone on instagram without it hurting my eyes. so i only do it from my laptop. anyhow. taurus energy. things. i feel the density. been feeling the desire for romantic love reawaken again this past week. it was such a wonderful reprieve to be free of the desire for a stint. now that it wakes back up i feel extra protective. i don’t want to lose myself. i want to stay focused on mutual equal beneficial love. i am certain now, that i do not need a partner or even a lover, so if i decide to be in a partnership i want it to be for the reasons i intend. some people think finding the perfect person is having all their things found in one person, all their likes actualized in a human being. that to me is very shallow. love is not about getting all your likes and preferences. fuck that. love is about connection, and connection takes you to all sorts of places from bliss to hurt. but with equal love, when hurt arises you communicate and grow closer from it, you are on each other’s side, you can take ownership for what you do wrong or even for hurting them when they took you wrong. it’s so easy for me to say i am sorry and to show up humble and and without defense, my partner will be lucky. in the past i have been with such defensive men who accuse me of being horrible anytime i feel hurt and want to talk about it. i was such a masochist, taking that crap and then blaming myself. i am looking for a truly intimate connection now, where he trusts and cares about me by showing it. you cannot tell me you love me and then treat me like a demon when i bring up being hurt. trust is an action given in love. show me you trust me by being willing to work on yourself and take accountability for your shitty unconscious family of origin behaviors because you love me and trust i am doing the same for you. everybody has their crappy wounded side conditioned by life, it’s what you do with it that matters. there is no need to judge it, dwell in it, or use it as a way to avoid closeness and defend the self against repeated attack. but that’s a choice. i choose healing and i choose he who chooses healing.  together we will turn our mud balls into pearls in between those memories of fun and comfort we create. i don’t have any tolerance for war in love anymore. i’d rather be alone then be wanted and blamed at the same time. if you don’t understand that we are all messed up by life and therefor much of life is about healing and growing as a person in order to become more loving and intimate, you are not for me. best friends and lovers is what i seek. two creative souls looking in the same direction for the future. emotional maturity and good communication the bread and butter. without that, it’s second grade, i like you and will be mean to you to show it cause i fear intimacy. i am not saying i am by any means an intimacy master, but i am willing. i am willing to shake and be uncertain and be vulnerable and to learn and to walk into the fire. i wont settle anymore or take bread crumbs, for that was my intimacy issues living large. i have decided to face my fear that if i stop taking bread crumbs or settling i will be alone with no options. this is the case right now. i am alone with no options. and guess what? i am not afraid at all. i feel fine. it’s not too hard going without touch. it’s not so bad coming home alone each night. i provide my own sense of security and fulfillment. sure i would love to fall in love and be a partner to my partner. i would love to get up off this throne and dive into the sea for love’s rebirth. at the same time i am ok right here on my queen of swords throne. so mote it be. my mind wants to focus on other things until he shows up with lilies in his hand. specifically an art project coming into my brain. a smaller writing project as well. projects that have to do with “we” and not just “me”. uranus coming in, wanting me to transcend passed the me to the we, through art and writing. i have been massively inspired. the next cycle is all about us…

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