death and rebirth in the u…

writing later in the day from a cafe up by zenith supplies. wanted to work in a cafe off the hill where bohemia still lives and i found it. writing from a ratty green couch with local art on the walls, not too crowded. the u-district still keeps a bit of the old world alive. i like it. the hill is turning so money, big city, not sure i love it the same anymore. it’s like living in manhattan but wanting to move to brooklyn, sort of. i dunno. all i know is the moment. about to start on my reflection paper about the school project i finished yesterday. excited to write about it. a cute guy who sells the real change paper just walked in. journey is playing over the speakers. moved to a table, cause i cannot write on the couch. noticing the sedated peace of this cafe. i will be returning. never would have found it had it not been for the sales person at zenith telling me this was here. a hidden gem. lots of huge wood tables. it’s called wayward, and that hits home. anyhow, taught the temperance workshop last night feeling in the void and disconnected to being a teacher. oh well, it happens. but what i gained from the class is a reminder to allow for the two polarities to exist. the two that showed up for me: indecisive, trapped by the mind, wanting to be alone.  decisive, transformative, empowered decision making. also in polarity is being confused about romantic love and sure about romantic love. allowing myself to dive into each polarity, one of flesh and one spirit. no judgment. giving both full honor will create the transformation needed. i know the right man will be with me one day, i feel it. i am building a firm foundation. he will be receiving a gift for a partner. when i roll back into the usual mental imprisonment of dilemma, i shall recognize it, hermit, and regenerate back into the light. school is the same. lots of self doubt pulls me away from the natural confidence i feel in my soul. i will honor the doubt when it arises, not avoid what is happening. not resist polarity or the shadow or anything. my medicine is to walk right into the underworld, take the journey with fervor, and return back into the daylight with more love, awareness, strength, and compassion. panther style. weird dreams last night. one part was clearing out all of my old crystal jewelry with my mom. came upon the rainbow moonstone rings from long ago. put them all on at once. felt i needed to return to the lunar essence. here i am today, in the second district i called home in seattle. the time when i wore a lot of rainbow moonstone. joy courses through me when i walk through this area because at that time of my life bohemia lived potent and alive in me. today it is dying. there is loss in my heart. i don’t want to see it go. but i must say goodbye. life moves on. that doesn’t mean i wont always hunt for low brow cafes to work in. you’ll never see me caring too much about things and making a ton of money. i will live for my principals and for art, forever. the death of bohemia is about youth, american culture, and an idealism that wasn’t meant to flourish into the physical for me.  i am at peace with this, and yet i feel sorrow at the same time. my karma is equal parts love and sorrow. i find great beauty in this mixture, the same way my favorite season is the fall.  i hope that falling in love feels like what is used to feel like to dream. i still believe in true love and falling into it. learned so many damned lessons and have fallen into the wrong arms but it wont budge my romantic nature. nothing in this world can touch the passion always alive in my essence, no matter how much death and disappointment reigns in this realm. impervious. brighter than the world. endless longing a constant exhale made of imagination. i feel lucky today. lucky with love and loss…

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