tales from the void…

full moon scorpio day. i am not feeling my feelings as many people are. i keep being on the receiving end of deep swells of emotion arising in others. me? i feel…well…i feel nothing. i feel the void. this instantly makes me remember a bit of my dream last night. it was something about the needle head size void leading to an infinite void. that size truly does not matter when it comes to the void. i am compelled to be a guide for others, which is good since i work today, but i keep trying to get in touch with me…and feel blank.  oh well. blank it is. i am sure it wont take long for feelings to creep back in. the rollercoaster sometimes plateaus, but this is different. i just keep seeing this pin head void in my head and dwelling in it. ok i was angry for about five minutes yesterday for no reason. i am sure there is anger beneath the surface. the creature in me tired of transmuting creature desires into higher callings because fulfillment of the creature desires is nowhere to be found. sure, i would like to be naked in the water at night, free from the oppression of humanity, with my beloved, skin and souls twined together like two trees, and i don’t give a damn if i sound like a hippie. so tired of hippie being a bad word in culture. what’s bad about wanting peace, love and harmony? anyhow, whatever. i think i will do an extra long yoga practice this morning. i do feel more hungry for food. another thing to temper. used to it by now. letting red tara incense rise and envelop my home. missing real home. home home. a place not here. i wont let anyone take that away from me anymore. earth is my home now, though i am a visitor here. this is my experience and i don’t have to feel bad about that either. i suppose a theme is rising. feeling bad. not apologizing for my nature anymore. not thinking my nature needs healing. like i am supposed to be a certain way inherently. no more of this. i am who i am. but i am also tired of talking about it. the observer feels natural to me today. i don’t feel invested in the fight for freedom in this country we seem to be losing and gaining by hair pins on the second hand. i don’t feel invested in changing anyone or anything. i don’t feel a strong investment in my hungers and desires either. the anger that pounces for a minute comes and goes so fast. the void truly is enveloping me today. it’s not a feeling, but it’s an experience…of nothingness…

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