being a jaguar to balance the fear…

gotta love the rollercoaster of emotions. yesterday waking up feeling free and liberated of trivial matters and ego pain, only to dive right into an old story as feelings sizzled up to the surface. the struggle to love my body, to love the tummy, to love the extra padding, the way my shape does not match up with what i wish it be. my own bar set too high. partially brainwashed by culture and media, partially my own inner sense of desire for what i want to see and how i wish to feel. life long struggle. i am eating healthy and getting a ton of exercise so it’s all on the inside. acceptance for the body i posses. it might sound trivial but it’s not. not when you’ve been through what i have. family of origin stuff. trauma. the works. but i will keep chipping away like a master at my sculpture. and again…i would like to notice that when i shoot up too high, i come crashing down right after. i shoot up too high naturally, not through the use of any drug or external validation. i literally woke up feeling the immense love of spirit encompassing my sense of existing, and i felt like i was a star shining bright…which only caused a crash about two hours later. therefor, balance is my way. it has to be cause i cannot handle the ups and downs that naturally course through me. so what did i do to create balance yesterday? i got a hair-cut and meditated while under the hair dryer, i walked a ton, i met with a dear friend, i laughed and fell over my gargoyle statue and laughed some more until the day was done. the full moon is coming up so this is not anything surprising. it’s in scorpio too. dredging up all the feelings. i am also feeling so self conscious. searing self consciousness like a flame on metal. my grad school program is the fodder prodding me into some form of a jewel from this mess inside. i am scared i am not good enough. i think of alex saying, “loyalty to the old kingdom is strong.” yes, michelle, stay awake. the dark lord is trying to convince me that i am not good enough, but it is not true. the dark lord is the old kingdom. i am good enough. i can write apa style grad level papers. i can intern. i can create a stable career for myself that helps others and supports my artist core. i am allowed to be prosperous. i can be a part of this world. that’s the fear. sharing with her last night, through the screen of night looking out upon lit up buildings…about how this world has never felt like where i belonged, and how my sense of self lives in other realms and dimensions. it’s ok. breathe. do i need to head to the park again today before work? i feel safe in nature. i feel like i belong to the trees. the trees are also conversing with other dimensions. i am more tree than human. it’s humans. this culture. let me not even start. i am not one ounce surprised at what’s happening politically. the human shadow is mammoth and trying to work it’s way out of the unconscious. the moment i focus on the shadow i feel better. much comfort i find in the shadows. i know that sounds goth, but it’s real, and not about wearing black clothes, though i do wear a lot of black…judge as you will. when i remember that the shadow must come out for healing, everything settles inside this fireworks heart of mine. there’s a calm because reason makes sense of the chaos…or rather, reason guides the chaos through a healing transformation. there is purpose to this madness. there’s me sitting on a porch at night in a tank top, watching lightning bugs light up the darkness. breathe. do interval training instead of going to the park. be the jaguar on the hunt for sixty seconds at a time. and this too shall pass…

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