mars retrograde is beginning to settle in now. i find myself reviewing my yang energy. i find myself searching for a new word for yang energy. not “masculine” because it has too much charge around gender. what can i call it that is not gender charged or stemming from ancient chinese culture? don’t want to use any references made before. what to call it? my arrow energy. for now, temporarily, i will call yang energy, arrow energy. and yin energy, circle energy. ok, so…been reviewing how i use my arrow energy. specially sexually. how my arrow wants to shoot into a target without discernment if the feeling is mutual and how this has never brought any sense of balance or joy into my life. due to our compartmentalized fragmented cognitive dissonant arrow heavy culture, sex has become so topical. about the body. but in reality, we are energy beings and when sex occurs, two energy beings share their energy completely, whether they are aware of this or not. the circle knows. sexual energy is not just about sex either. this has been the deeper reflection. how much my arrow energy seeks to transform energy is high voltage. very intense. priestess level. i don’t experience life without needing to transform energy. how can i be more intentional about this, and more innovative? how can i discern? much to contemplate. creatively i feel the door is ajar and the artist within me took off. she is someplace that left the rest of me behind. i don’t know why. i miss the cycle where i am purely alive with creative manifesting, boiling ideas bubbling up, and inspiration oozing from my veins. i am in a phase of sharpening knives and clearing out space. quiet reflection rules while i seek to reign in the arrow energy. last night my arrow wanted to be in the old west. wanted to feel that raw feeling of life underneath my seat. i cannot explain it well. i feel frustrated. sick of processing. sick of the mildness. i want passion passion passion i suppose. but i know that i am in training and taming the wild in me. kinda sucks. but also is powerful. there’s a beauty in being a wild lemurian howling at the moon. and there’s a beauty to be a refined atlantean creating a crystal grid. i know i am not making logical sense to the reader. i don’t need to. half this and half that. balance. blah blah blah. it’s hard to type the keys. i want something more full bodied.