a tall reed in the swamp…

i feel logic and embodiment return today in my psyche. not feeling dead. not feeling dimensional confusion. ha. i forced myself on a a difficult jog yesterday, body feeling like lead. could be mars stationed before his retrograde. also feel myself resisting further lessons in the relationship department. the never ending lesson. i do feel strong though. i feel determined to not jump into romantic merging where the “he” is selfish and taking, and i am rationalizing it away because of his magical soul and my ability to have so much compassion for shortcomings while simultaneously in need of romantic expression and intimacy. when it comes to intimacy i need an equal. pouring all the water out into the earth. my emotions wont go into any man who is not an equal. solid. mars retrograde has me focusing on how i use my yang energy. yes, my body is screaming out like a lemurian to the moon for touch in the most feminine way. i feel withdrawals. i feel pain. but i am returning to my eastern practice today and holding pantanjali in my heart, “non-affliction through the opposites”. i can ride this discomfort. for years even. i don’t need to meditate to practice it. i only need to keep knowing. the knowing aligns me instantly. i don’t need to use time to align. i use space. to put myself in the space of. to shape-shift into the energy needed. i am pantajali. i am to focus on the rod of my creative expression, which i have lost recently, or left some place. have not painted in days or written creatively. change is occurring. it is time for me to embrace the student life on a deeper level. to read more. to face apa style. to know i can translate my perception into left brain formatting and intellectual intelligence. moving from east to west. facing my karma of the west. not allowed to literally run to the ashram. i am drawn to carnelian. the color orange. patchouli. fire. i feel very alone in a sense. not with the universe always filling me with intimacy, but with my path right now. yet there’s a strength i am experiencing in this aloneness. to wake up and go to sleep alone. to take care of my life alone. to face the challenges alone. there’s a sense of pride i am experiencing that i never paid mind to before. it’s in the color orange. there’s a certain peace in being alone, specially alone for years on end..an intimacy with self grows deeper. nobody else’s baggage to contend with either. a strength that feels reliant and good. i think of emerson’s essay on self reliance. i think of a tall reed in a swamp. i do crave the group. my cohort has awakened what feels like destiny. to live for the group, for community. to be a hub and an energy source. to be an awareness model. to be an artist. to be beauty. to be love. the moon just went into leo so self expression is the impetus this morning. as below, so above…

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