back to morning blogging. who am i? where am i? disorientation due to this weekend’s cohort. am i able to write one left brained sentence about the powerful experience? i don’t think so. not yet. specially now, since she brought up medusa and i am digging in to deconstruct the myth. it leads all the way back. gender and concepts. oppression and finding a voice. so complex. i feel incredibly messy and the story keeps meta-ing out. i wish to be in masculine arms hard core too. to feel my femininity blossom in contrast. we talked about those words. i have been using them this whole time: masculine and feminine to describe the yin and yang polarity that is a part of this existence and courses through our blood. but when you turn it into gender specific language, seems to trap those expansive words/concepts of yin/yang, order/chaos, inhale/exhale. feminine/masculine break the expansiveness of the living experience of this core polarity. what if feminine/masculine was used only to describe a more specific human experience? this feels potent to me. i am a believer in language being alive. it is our words and stories that tone in the myths and patterns. i want to be intentional. i don’t want to use the words feminine/masculine to describe the yin and yang energies anymore. learning. we all have our karmic stories of pain and confusion. my story stems from medusa’s story. so many interpretations. delving into the archetypes. feeling called to the bigger picture in a raw way. then…humor. turtles of diplomacy. a panda riding a unicycle. a swarm of locusts. then…alex’s words. loyalty to the old kingdom…no more. a sense of courage. a sense of power. power is intoxicating. anger is complex. i appreciate this mess. i am in it all the way. devotion. to drop into the ego and wrestle there, is new. i have spent years centered on transcending the stories, gaining equanimity. the ground work has been laid, so i may dive into this ego to develop a healthy one because my karma is to be a presence of balance. not directional but centered. an anchor. a generator. an emotional conduit. i know this is cryptic. i wish for my left brain to get a little more with it. i need to write a paper due this weekend that feels incredibly daunting. i want to write it like a poem. my brain can only think in poetry. three big poetic ideas. the fool’s journey. crumbs of love. turtles of diplomacy. must write these. but must write my school paper first. must find focus. desperate too. for body alchemy. for love that is passion and engulfing and physical. for regeneration not punishment. acceptance not rejection. feelings ignite. that’s the thing. feelings. i am crying into the sky for release.