day three…

wow. today was intense. i could not even begin to explain. i tried with a friend after school was over, before the poetry reading, and it came out manic with no articulation. i still cannot slow down my feelings enough to articulate it here. it was deep. i cannot speak of it, it is so deep. i still don’t know what to say. i am changing. quickly. i did not expect this. it is scary. it’s not about him, it’s about what he represents. the denial being through history. the way the patriarchy robs men and woman equally of their feminine energy birthright. the yin within in men is cauterized, and in women it is oppressed. the damage is equal yet the very real power game presents itself as a tricky test. dominance is an illusion of the mind’s belief. how to say all this?  and then i feel my body yearn. i don’t want to be talking about this right now. i want to be held. i want touch and body alchemy. but it is nowhere to be found. in all directions not available to me for one reason or another. i am here in the ashram feeling profound. so all i got is to talk about it. how it felt to speak the anger and not give a fucking shit about being a flooder. hell yeah, i am gonna flood, i am a storm. fucking deal with it. when he said we are not crazy i wanted to follow him like a jesus. the validation felt like water in a dry oasis. i am filled with feelings that ask for more validation. i am chaos rising. the storm. the sun scorching. no apologies. free form. watch me blossom because i wont wilt anymore. i don’t know what it’s fucking like to blossom. i only know wilting, shrinking, being oppressed and called crazy when i try to stand in my true power. but i am not victim anymore. i have been caught in the mouse trap on the floor and escaped it. i have been given the head of an elephant. i don’t need your god damn approval. i don’t need your fucking sexual attention or lack there of. i wont give you safe droplets of water through the pin hole. i will flood you and if you cannot deal with it, you will drown. i personally don’t care if it’s too much, or i am too much. i am the color i really am and i am the sound of the woman that loves you. this is today. this is my blood. this is the what matters the most…and now that i got that out, i can simmer down…

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