day one…

can i blog? i want to be able to. school ended an hour and half ago and will start in about ten hours again. it’s always beautiful and intense and during these shorter ones, not enough time to dive into the real learning, which happens behind the stuff we are learning, which is good too. research got me excited today. i really dig it. i don’t know how somebody like me gets involved in it, but i think i would be a valuable asset to the field. who knew my passions would be stoked like this. i never would have guessed that i could feel as creative and passionate about psychology as i do about art, writing, and my mystical connection. so exciting. i don’t know how to be the person i need to be, to be this…but i also know i just need to be myself. myself is changing because of this program. i am overcoming insecurities, facing the deep shadow, transforming from the inside out. it’s the lios/saybrook way. i feel really lucky. the people in my program are a family of sorts. we are all meant to find one another. i feel it. i feel it so much. i feel tremendous destiny in the present moment. how to articulate? sometimes the feelings are so strong i don’t know how to slow them down to articulate them. in times like these, i wish to drink a double espresso and then go down into a basement that is my art studio, turn up the quadrophonic sound real loud and play the music that romances my bright blue rivers of blood, strip down to painting-undies and then slam my paint covered body across large canvasses for the background, then go in to detail some with brushes and softer music, until i am completely exhausted at dawn. this craving is strong. how to make this desire really happen? how to come into physicality? doesn’t matter. wait…yes it fucking does. i think of alex talking about loyalty to the old kingdom. don’t tell me this life does not matter, old kingdom who waits for an afterlife. i am gonna be so here that there wont be a constant glaze over my eyes, clouding the present. the how matters. he said to stay on my throne no matter what, and to make choices. i will. those words rung true as the pearl in my oyster shell heart. how will she become what her inner vision tells her to be? you’ll see. inner vision, it’s more like a feeling…and colors. the truth is something i feel, not see. i feel closeness to life like a lover, but not like one. a lover first hand. phenomenological and spiritual are the same thing in my aquarian land.  i may not be making sense. it’s been a long long long day…

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