i am writing again, for the release. bottled up feelings. energy feels stuck in the gut. hoping this might get it out. not even wanting to be in the sun. dream last night was disturbing, showing me i still expect to be duped and treated carelessly. acceptance and more emptying out to do. watched a sahdguru video yesterday where he said bondage happens after years of bonding. i thought about it and it felt true. there is a negative element to bonding and a positive element to liberation by feeling it all within. no need for an external anyone or anything. i can feel this inside my heart. a great emptiness surrounds me because of it. not the sorrowful emptiness. luminous emptiness. cannot put it into words. the desires of the heart and body to bond are part of the creature love. very real and beautiful too. balance is what i seek to achieve, not denying either side. i keep wanting to have an adventure some place soon. get the hell out of dodge. feel life in a new way. maybe i still struggle to feel fully lovable but it’s not about perfection. i feel myself softening. there is nothing to fight. i feel very non-reactive to the struggles of life. i am here to step in and help when needed. it’s not a big deal. nothing feels like a big deal right now. i am sick of the hill. tomorrow it will feel wonderful to head out to bainbridge for the afternoon. to get on the water. something in me is calcifying and i don’t want it to. a sense of what i expect to happen always does. predictable and sick of it. no new surprises that are pleasure and joy toned. used to the surprises that suck and make the character stronger. i don’t feel too reactive toward this either though. i know there is much worse conditions, but i don’t feel the need to minimize my own life because of it, or use other’s despair to steep in the gratitude of my privilege. i feel unable to be emotionally manipulated in any direction. everything is what it is. this is not apathy but just a sense of acceptance. the heart feels heavy though. not laden with stories but more heavy with restraint. i am discovering that this is ok too. heart like a hematite. i feel new and old at the same time. a trigger wants to ignite but i’ve got my eye on it. the belly is rising like a full moon wanting to howl at it hanging in the inside sky. i can taste the irrational behind the veil of order, and find home there. all these boxes of this world can be restricting as a result. possessions. whatever. i am changing sexually. or, adhering to my roots. sex is not just a body thing. when i have sex i merge with the energy of him, and take his energy into my body. this is a big deal. at the same time it is not a big deal. though i would like to be loved as the impetus behind sharing my body this way. i don’t want to be anyone’s outlet anymore. when i think of the last one i loved i am shocked at how little i was given for as much as i held on. it seems crazy to me today. i am not used to receiving very much. pigeon mentality. no more. i choose luminous emptiness over bread crumbs. choices. i love the city and nature. i love it all. i miss port townsend. they are playing death metal in the cafe, i fucking hate this fucking music. but whatever. i am gonna pack up and leave anyways. go sit in the park for a stint before work. do i feel release from writing? a little bit. though i think i might need to hug a tree instead.