some place in between loyalties..

the sadness lifted. yesterday helped. the sun and all the walking. there’s fire underneath. a new person birthing through. became very clear to me yesterday, that this path is a fear walk. i still feel not into words. don’t have anything to say. words feel in the way. no love for them like usual. maybe i am revolting against them right now. maybe it’s my body’s need for so much more. to arrive more into the physical. walk on fire. walk on a high wire. stretch beyond limits. to every cell of every toe. actually writing is pissing me off right now. i am noticing a feeling in my heart that wants to tell myself to shut up. not in the clear of the shadow my any means. devaluing myself? minimizing? i guess i feel like i spend a lot of time giving and still not sure how to receive. which must be traced back to feeling unlovable. wearing my city dress, city make-up, city jewelry, city wit, city sass, city this, city that. bored with the poetry reading. too sensitive for the loud diner filled with the young and drunk. don’t want to be around drunk anymore. don’t want to be around fluff. don’t want the surface or the brainwash. not extreme though. i like swiping gold over my eyelids and i love my dress. enjoy the revelry of the city madness. enjoy the chaos soup. enjoy the mess. enjoyed his new poem, it was the best. thrashing heart, determined on her skateboard acting like she’s got this. falling. scraped knees. blood. humidity. i miss summer. i miss brooklyn even. i miss nature. a patch of grass. a backyard barbecue. now everything is getting close to world war two again. the darkness that has always existed coming forth into the obvious. putting down the spatula and getting anchored in the root chakra. i am here and i belong here. i am loved and lovable. alex talks about loyalty to the old kingdom being strong. sticks in my head, those words, all night long. i wont be loyal anymore. not to those who deny my feelings. not to those who suck my energy, wanting to take and not give back. not to those who need me but don’t want me. not to any force that grows while i shrink into lack. but sometimes it’s not so obvious. wounds create delusions and all that. like he was saying, naiveté and the fleeting. i love the way the orange crane appears against the deep bluish grey sky. he is unsure if he will be blue or grey today, so why not be both. i feel the same way. keep staring into the eyes of ganesha. thinking about those three of wand boats…

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