steps not concepts and stuff like this…

i miss going to school already. miss the people and the hard work. yesterday was a scary, sad, intense day because the temple (the vajra) was vandalized and other stuff i don’t want to mention in blog, that was dark. the prayer wheel was stolen. it had been there 20 years and was a community staple. my heart and tummy ached right when i got the text. i hurried over to the store and stayed there all day, unable to leave or even take a sip of water. my protective nature took hold. my nervous system ruled the show. watched as i practiced compassion and at the same time, felt i could do much harm if confronted by a dark force. i accepted a powerful angry feeling, while transmuting it into love. stages of grief. my niece had a successful surgery and this filled me with relief and gratitude. the eclipse full moon (in my sign) happening early this coming morning is filling me with liquid light. i feel unable to exercise or do yoga. can only seem to chant and sway and allow in this light for renewal. i will sing the hanuman chalisa after i write. perhaps three times in a row. bhakti love. gratitude. loss. fear. the human experience. slept harder than i have slept in years last night. so much that when i awoke this morning i did not know where or who i was for the first few seconds. i could have awoken on neptune. i could be named solaria. there is something i need to write, right now. something different. will work on this today in between school work. storming over a school assignment, wanting to rebel and create my own form, not use theirs. will do both, remembering this form is for the student not the faculty. remembering the reasons why behind the doing, this seems pertinent right now. why am i alive today? then i recall the tao and just chill, do nothing, take baby steps. thinking back to the powerful transformative session i experienced when i was the helpee. small steps not huge concepts. steps not concepts!  wow, this is my motto from now on. the large concepts will never go away, i eat them for breakfast. but they need the right place in the garden. their place is to be the beauty and my prime motivator. and…each day i need to do the little work. what is small is beautiful too. hands are beautiful. i am always dazzled by the shape of people’s hands…as well as the wrinkles around the eyes. love those crows feet lines. beauty in the temporal. in the physical. i am aware of how a past of dissociation from the body can lead to using large concepts as an escape route, even if the adoration for large concepts is a pure calling too. every one thing can be used for dark or light…can be used for both at the same time. everything is love, so no worries. sometimes i feel like i am a sifter, purifying forces with my little contraption of a mind. restraint is coming up a lot right now. ready to practice it for the good of all. myself as a part of this symbiotic system. stuff like that. back to the small. burning sandalwood incense. doing laundry. drinking coffee and lemon water after eating eggs. looking out at the grey blanket sky giving way to a slate of bright blue over the mountains in the distance. today is a game changer.

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