i am home…

on the ground.  another school cohort petri dish family gathering over. this one was powerful.  became more confident, secure, and embodied in the self as therapist way. realized a ton, through a deep and profound insight exchange with a learning partner. how when my feelings are denied i default into mental dramatics, almost out of sheer rebellion. how my pattern with men has stemmed from ambivalent attachment (after thinking it was avoidant for days, ha.) trying to get the guy to love me who is on/off with me, or only wanting parts and not all of me….verses letting these attractions go because they cannot create secure attachment. the men who wanted to make a secure attachment with me i knew did not meet my essential criteria, but due to ambivalent attachment i tried to make it work and fit circles into squares. essential criteria is the equal. also realizing that although my friendships are solid and secure attachments, my friends still don’t get all of me authentically because of my dark mantra, also stemming from ambivalent attachment: “as long as there is harmony.” those closest to me don’t know when i am upset with them because i have been too fearful to say it, out of fear of being rejected. this does not happen often as i am a pretty easy going, but when it comes up, i keep it hidden. in this last conference i learned in my heart that it is ok to be upset with others and have them be upset with me. i learned how to lean into making mistakes and let go of the self consciousness. what a fucking relief. small steps up the mountain. never would have imagined school would be like this, a family filled with so much love and care. i watched myself sear with insecurities each day and felt the impact pass through with grace, allowing for it. i left buzzing with energy right underneath my skin. it’s the eclipse season too coursing through me. it feels like electricity is humming in my veins, like i have been plugged in to a wall socket and it makes me feel crazy, but the tender warmth and comfort i received last night dissipated it. in all areas of my life, i am thankful to be receiving love in new ways. i feel like the fool card. new everything. life is sweet as the challenges present themselves. much to do today and yet i feel slow like a snail, needing to process and get my ducks back in rows, cause right now they are exploring dark corners. maybe that’s ok too, for i am home and that’s what i leave this blog with. i realize that home truly is…wherever i am.

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