no edit long ramble from the middle of the chrysalis…

“there’s a soul in every symptom that is a postcard from your history,” alex said today in class. i can’t shake it. fucking moved. two days and two very different vibrations. today i was withdrawn. cancer moon. star of david around the neck, a mood that hardly ever visits, and when it does…is shekinah. oh shekinah. today she needed pearls and did not want to be hugged. my partner noted how a hug can be like sensory overload. some days are like that. a hug is being handed not only the soul, but the beast. too much too much. i am not trying to be standoffish. it’s just some days you need space. so i was in it today. i love my cohort and teachers to the point of a physical ache. i am scared of everybody, because of the real intimacy present. i go in and out of being open to it, each day more progress is made. the mud ball becoming a pearl. i loved when dan, my other of three main teachers, spoke about an eagle pooping out after it ate you…you being a young stalk, which already had a rough past of growing through concrete or something, i don’t remember what he said, darnit. it was so fucking beautiful.  anyhow, the seed has this shitty upbringing and eaten by an eagle which then poops out the remains, and you are the remains.  somehow you get replanted in this garden, and you grow right beside a prettily packaged seed. darwin’s favorite and all.  there you are, you know, full of anxiety, afraid to let love in, insecure, your shitty past constantly haunting you in the form of defense mechanism, addictions, bad choices, on and on…growing right next to the seed that was treated with loving care its entire life.  what do you do with that?  this has always been a plague of my heart. the haves and the have nots. my dad once gave me a little soliloquy about how it is random; how those who get little and those who get a lot wind up being those particular people.  i knew it was true for me, when he said it.  i remember the time, when talking to christ actually, where he helped me to feel that karma is an illusion.  not the real karma, the one where your emotional attachments create sticky stories through lives that only forgiveness and letting go can release. but the false karma, where they say,” what comes around, goes around.” i remember once a friend in highschool being annoyed at how i saw the good in people.  i changed after that and started to see the bad, because i wanted her acceptance, i guess. but the truth is, in my heart at least, that i know we all play all roles, and when i tap into that feeling, nobody is inherently bad.  like rogers believed. another part of me believes different though. like when i listen to the psychology proff. you tube vids of jordan peterson.  i get all evolutionary listening to him, and think, oh believing in inherent good is reductionist and delusional, because nature creates everything, even inherent badness.  i am used to having conflicting beliefs playing chess in my tummy.  libra moon.  keeps me seeing both sides no matter what. i keep trying to shift my pattern from double spacing between sentences, to single spacing.  pattern breaking. i remember the time i decided to stop playing tennis with a two arm forehand one day.  i went to the practice wall and just started doing it that way for hours until it became natural, all at once. like the time i decided to take off the training wheels of my bike by myself and teach myself how to ride without them, and i did.  it took me hours. that’s a strength i had forgotten. today alex said it’s not always denial we are in, it’s a real call to beauty. i am paraphrasing. the point was about beauty seeking. she did say verbatim, “little luminous pulses of beauty.”  so i wrote them down at pine box after class, when i needed to get dinner someplace.  dinner was a cocktail and popcorn, among bartenders who are my sorta friends. is this bad? it didn’t feel bad. i know i seek some other form of nurturing though. it’s as if i am living in my past, cause i don’t know how to get to my future…in some ways. in other ways, i do know. this school is transforming something vital inside. the calling. the heart. the story line. i don’t know, but i think of what jordan perterson said that when you have a goal, the journey to achieving it-when you are in the present and paying attention, changes the goal itself. psychology, creativity, myth, mysticism, and poetry are alive inside at all times. these are my constant family. anyhow, am i dramatic or what? actually, i am minimizing myself by saying that, did you catch me? two messages at all times. two two two.  suddenly i feel like i need to come down to to the ground.  rose incense burning. lemon water drinking. showered and clean. i don’t want to deal with editing this.  it’s too long. if anyone gets through this i will be amazed. do i have the courage to post with this without a single read through? why not. this is a version of wild. many different visitors are in my house today.

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