the mornings are darker now. no wonder i subconsciously went to good will to get a lamp. makes all the difference. cleaned all the little molds out of my windowsills yesterday and realized i cannot hang scarves over the windows cause it makes those little critters grow. what a weird symbiotic life this is. got everything done yesterday too. printed my paper. laundry. groceries. great yoga practice despite my hurt left arm, so sore. the mood is shifting. i still felt detoxy and weird all day from eclipse sweeping of my inner body, but the feelings have shifted. i feel balanced emotionally again. not in the heaviness, not in the lightness. right here in my favorite spot where hope sorrow joy appreciation fear and inspiration all swirl together as one feeling, much like a lick of ice cream on a child’s tongue. is that gross? weird analogy.
i just feel like i am setting karma free inside. everybody is free. i require nothing from nobody. nobody is required to love me, nor me to love anybody. this is the sentiment and it feels liberating. expectations are so sticky and sour. our own insecurities get shot out like sharp darts into the hearts of others we hold responsible to make our lives filled with meaning, happiness, morality, whatever. i feel an aversion to this right now. it’s just a stage of differentiation, the aversion will pass. it’s me understanding my own autonomy. i enjoy commitments and responsibility. i like the growth aspect of love over time, and my devotion is bottomless. i don’t want to come across the wrong way. my slate is being scrubbed clean is all. i am coming more into true self and setting all the apparitions of my lessons free. the lessons live inside people. i want to love more purely. i want to feel the joy of love too. i am ready for a dip into a new pool. sensual pleasure, mystery unfolding, fear, laughter, excitement, confusion, challenges, newness.
i suppose this desire dips back into romantic love, which is what this is mostly about. i feel the wounded girl dissolving into love, swept away in the eclipse cleansing by the power of my readiness and intention. i become the fool again. the fool: free, new, risk taking, child like, impulsive, energetic, following the impetus. love that is equal, the fool’s cliff jump. what does equal love mean? it means that both people can be really different and also house different strengths and weaknesses, being each other’s teachers and students-differences abound….what is equal…is the giving and receiving, the capacity to love, the feeling of love for one another, both people taking accountability for their stuff and willing to work through each trigger without blame. love is work too. it’s tending a garden. i am all about the growth of love, but i also understand that sometimes love changes, and this is ok.
it’s ok if you fall out of love, you don’t even need a reason for why. these are the hooks i speak of. releasing the karma is a good skill to hone. having been on both sides, the one who falls out of love and the one who has been fallen out of love with…i have to say, both hurt equal but differently. it is not wrong to hurt on either side of falling out. i would never want to be with a man who fell out, or be expected to stay if i fell out. there is truth in this falling out, it is not just because somebody is fucking up. love changes as much as it can stay the same and grow. hurt from loss is not a block to freedom. i will always choose to hurt without holding on. nothing outside of me do i hold onto, my foundation is inside. romantic love has a capricious nature that i honor. i have remained friends with the men i have been with, who truly love me for me and vice versa. i welcome the transformations of love and the loss hurt. i also welcome being with a man whom one lifetime does not feel long enough for us to be in love. both. always both…