shadowy sunday…..

another random sick day yesterday. this time tummy pain all day. it’s the eclipse i am sure of it. detoxing. so at night i put on my pjs early and watched an amy winehouse documentary.  fell in love with her music. watched another documentary about five female artists in new york city. made me miss new york. was inspired by their art and why they made it, reminding me how i am not alone in art being a healing path with difficult emotions being the catalyst. related to each of them, minus the fact i am not a worldly success. trump continues to scare the fucking shit out of people including me. i watch the reactivity, careful to not invest in it. this romance in his supporters to hate and eradicate everyone against their agenda, what is underneath it? this is the key to understanding what is happening. where are these desires bred from? feels like the lizard brain is being activated on hyperdrive. fight or flight turned into a presidential debate. cancer cells trying to kill the body. fragmentation from the whole. i can feel my avoidance defense mechanism flare up as i write this. i think,”oh well, fuck it, we are a messed up race, who cares if i die, this planet is better off without us anyhow,” as i imagine destruction birthed from the fear in my heart. this is all very real. i have no call to action except to heal myself by facing my defense mechanisms in order to come out of cognitive dissonance, and to vote. hungry for a solution. dark days. it’s dark out literally today. dirty dishwater colored sky. rain. permanent dusk. feeling sad sort of but will paint it out, write it out, yoga it out. the usual business. i’ve surrendered longing to the creative process and the goddess. perhaps i am unsure of myself and feeling insecure. i will notice that story but not buy into what it’s selling. beneath the insecure feeling is a child walking through a dark forest looking for the well to fill her wooden bucket. i will take her with me, like jean valjean. music is the solution to everything today. music and sandalwood incense. not forcing anything. ships have come into harbor and more are on their way. this is a dark and light play. solitude in between seeing friends. school in a few days. onward…

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