more romantic reflections, creative desires…

feeling like the void is shifting more into the seedling of a new reality this morning. like i just made it to shore. or to the other side. what’s the change? i understand, in retrospect, that romantic closeness for me, is something that is built and not something immediately known. attraction is the only immediate known aspect (though often attraction does not come until later in a connection as well.) what happens with attraction changes so much all the time. attraction comes and goes, sparks up and fades. what you build with it determines the romance. romantic feelings are like stones that can be tossed into a lake to become a memory, or built into a house to become a home. i am differentiated enough at this point in my life to not choose a man for security, to save me, to be an apparition of my mom or dad, or any other such shadow reason that picks the romantic partner unconsciously while the conscious mind thinks it’s something totally different. i feel i have reached a new level of this awareness. i know i have a certain nature about me, that if not treated tenderly and with directness, will not respond. i know the house i want to build, nestling like a seed in the soil of my belly. and so forth. lots of mental understanding on and on. what grows is what two people want to grow together. no longer am i investing my passion into romances that repeat shows, doubting my self worth, muddying the clear mirror of my heart. the man to speak to my heart will know how, as i will know how to speak to his heart…if only we will just let each other’s love inside. if only we can both make it real. in today’s world i don’t blame us for being scared, resistant, unaware, avoidant. i don’t blame how hard it is. the shadow is a cave wall we must walk out of at some point, when ready. the expectation for the possession of love like an object is a conditioned dream of the undifferentiated self, not the real dream. i want to paint. change of subject. abrupt switch cause i can do that. something about this eclipse says paint another one. do i paint over an old painting again like i have been doing these past four paintings? or buy a new canvas?  think i will paint over the dawn girl one, holding the raven. i can say goodbye to her. i really want to figure out the tarot deck project and begin it. but i also like painting what comes up spur. i suppose i can do both at once. but for the tarot deck i need the concept secured. maybe today is the day to do that…

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